


the reality of everything

by melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Episode Fix-It: s04e08 Silence in the Library, F/F, Gen, Library Fixit, Post-Darillium River, spacewives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-10-02 23:23:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17273105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme/pseuds/melodypond_thewomanwhomarriedme
Summary: While vacationing with the fam, the Doctor gets a call from a familiar face.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> just a little taste. I’m still writing some of the parts so you’ll have to forgive me - updates won’t be as quick. Hopefully i’ll be able to post every two weeks though.

“Welcome, fam, to the planet of Aquarion!” The Doctor waves her arm in a flourish as she throws open the Tardis doors.

Yaz, Ryan and Graham see miles and miles of sandy beach and open seas - and no one else to disturb them.

“Oh, wow,” Yaz says in wonder, her eyes immediately drawn to the beautiful blue waters. She turns to the Doctor. “Is this whole planet just a giant beach?”

“Yep,” the Doctor confirms, nodding. “It was inhabited by humans for a while over a thousand years ago but the dangerous weather patterns forced everyone to relocate.”

Graham’s head swivels. “Doc, did you just say ‘dangerous weather patterns’?”

“Yep,” the Doctor nods again. The other three exchange looks of fear and confusion before the Doctor notices. “Oh, yes - no need to worry, I landed us in the middle of summer. Monsoon season isn’t for a few more months.”

“Well, great! Let’s hit the beach!” Ryan says enthusiastically, moving to exit the Tardis and head towards the sand.

“Uh - before that, you’ll need to grab yourselves two bottles of sunscreen.” The Doctor says, hurrying to stand between Ryan and the Tardis doors.

Graham holds up a tiny bottle. “I’m all set.”

“You just had that lying around in your pockets?” Ryan asks.

“You never know when you’ll need sunscreen. ‘Always be prepared’. That’s what your nan says,” Graham says.

“You’ll need a lot more sunscreen than that.” The Doctor scrunches her face at the tiny bottle. “Enough to cover your whole body. This planet is surrounded by four suns.”

Yaz’s head peeks out of the Tardis. “I don’t see any suns.” The Doctor raises her eyebrows at her, and it clicks. “Are you telling me that the suns are so close the skies are literally _all_ sun?”

“Bingo!” The Doctor says, clapping her hands and pointing at Yaz. “Smart girl. Gold star for you.” The Doctor walks towards the doors and looks up at the sky. “Don’t worry, the suns aren’t hot. But they do give out a lot of UV rays, just like at home, but much stronger here. You won’t burn to death, but if you stay out for more than half an hour without sunscreen, you might get skin cancer.”

Graham pockets his tiny sunscreen bottle and clears his throat. “So I guess we’ll all go and get the sunscreen then. Coming, Doc?”

Just then, the Tardis starts beeping with a message. “In a second,” the Doctor says, ushering them towards their rooms. “Pack beach clothes, yeah?”

“Voice interface activated.” The Tardis sounds, and the Doctor frowns. 

“Voice interface? For what?”

“There is an incoming call for the Doctor.”

“From who?”

“Unknown.”

“Planet?”

“Unknown.”

“Is it a distress signal?”

“Unknown.”

The Doctor squints her eyes at the console. “You’re not doing this to annoy me on purpose, are you?”

“The caller has left a message for you. Would you like to hear it?”

The Doctor looks behind her, towards where her friends are currently chatting merrily, looking forward to their first real vacation in months. Since then, they’ve been helping out in various wars, signing peace treaties and stopping invasions, and they haven’t had a real opportunity to relax in literally ages. They’ll be quite disappointed to find out that their trip will be disrupted by yet another call for help.

But on the other hand, it could be nothing. The Tardis is quite efficient in checking for distress signals, and if the caller hasn’t left one, there should be nothing to worry about - what’s the harm in listening to the message? If it did turn out to be a distress signal, they can always come back to Aquarion afterwards.

“Play the message, please.”

The Tardis whirs, and a screen appears in front of the Doctor, startling her a bit. It’s a video. She sees a familiar face, and as the message plays, an even familiar voice sounds through the air.

“Hello, sweetie.”

*

When Yaz, Ryan and Graham finally return back to the console room, they find the Doctor still staring at the screen, a sombre expression on her face. Their excited chatter immediately cease when the Doctor turns towards them, no hint of a smile or happiness at the prospect of spending a week on the sunny beach by themselves. 

“Doctor, what’s wrong?” Yaz asks, her arms full of clothes and holding three bottles of sunscreen.

“Change of plans,” she says.

“Where are we going?” Ryan asks, frowning.

“Not we. Me.” The Doctor says. “It’s important. Someone... someone important needs my help and I can’t leave them. You can’t come with me - it’s too complicated, there’ll be so many things at risk-”

“Doctor, we’ve put our lives on the line before, we’re not suddenly stopping now- ”

“I don’t mean your lives.” The Doctor says, shaking her head. “I mean timelines. What’s happened could be undone and something that was never meant to happen could happen anyway. It’s too dangerous, much too risky and there’s too much at stake. You can’t come with me.”

“Doctor, what’s happening?” Graham asks. “After everything we’ve done together, we deserve to know where you’re going.”

The Doctor stares straight at Graham. Out of the three, he would most understand why she can’t take the risk. He wouldn’t ask more questions, and that’s what the Doctor needs right now - just silence.

“My wife,” the Doctor says finally. The immediate reactions of the group would be comical if she wasn’t so struck by what just happened.

Yaz simply gasps; Ryan shakes his head in disbelief and frowns, asking, “You’re _married_?”; Graham’s eyes widens and he looks as if he’s already beginning to understand despite only knowing this.

“I... lost her, some time ago. I couldn’t save her in time. She got trapped in a computer - long story.” The Doctor starts, looking up at the screen. River’s smile is just as beautiful as ever - every sense of her unchanged. “But now - there’s a chance that I can. I need to - to see this through. For me and for her.”

“And we can’t be a part of this because?” Yaz asks.

“Because she doesn’t know you exist.” The Doctor says. “We meet in the wrong order. We’re both time travellers, so we never know what version of us we’ll meet next. That version - that’s the latest version of her. The version that’s trapped. If she doesn’t know you exist, then her past versions won’t know you exist. If you come with me and she sees you, it might disrupt a vital part of her timeline.”

“But you’re - you’re coming back, though, right?” Ryan asks, unsure. “Even if... it doesn’t work out?”

“ _Ryan_ ,” Yaz and Graham hiss together. Ryan looks sheepish.

Even though the thought of losing River one more time after being given hope that she might come back to her again aches her hearts, the Doctor manages a smile for the fam. “I promise I won’t leave you stranded on any planet... anymore.”

The team manages an uneasy laugh, looking between each other as if still deciding whether or not they want to leave. The Doctor makes that decision for them by ushering them out, a wide grin on her face.

“Have fun, swim far! Ooh, but not too far - look out for the flesh-eating sharks. Don’t worry, they don’t prey on humans. Probably. But you can spot them with the fins, so - you know. Be safe.”

“Take care, Doctor!” Yaz and Ryan shout together, and they head off towards the sea.

“Good luck, Doc.” Graham says, a smile on his face. “I hope you get your wife back.”

“Thank you, Graham.” The Doctor says. “I hope so too.”

Graham gives a lazy salute and walks off, following the two younger people. The Doctor shuts the doors and looks towards the console, a big grin on her face. Hurrying up the steps, she inputs the coordinates that she still remembers despite not being there for over a thousand years. She brings her fingers to her lips and touches the monitor still displaying River’s face. 

“Wait for me, love.” She whispers.

And she throws the lever.


	2. i’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg thank you so much??? I didn’t expect to have such a great response to this but I’m so grateful!!! Thank you guys!! I hope you enjoy the story I have planned for you :)))
> 
> Chapter title from ‘Kiss Me’ by Ed Sheeran.

“ _Hello, sweetie_.”  
  
The Doctor feels chills and goosebumps all over her. She hasn’t heard that voice in over a century and to have her, talking to her, even in video, she feels tears welling her eyes.  
  
“River,” she says shakily.  
  
Her wife smiles at the screen. “Have you missed me?” She asks.  
  
“I have,” the Doctor breathes. “So much.”  
  
River smiles even wider. “Then it’s time, my love. Come and get me.”  
  
The Doctor’s hearts sinks. She looks to the ground, feeling shame well up inside her.  
  
“I... can’t,” she admits, even though it pains her so much she can feel her hearts breaking into two. “I’ve tried to find ways to save you but I just - I can’t, River. I’m so sorry. I’ve never been a good husband to you.”  
  
“You have been the best, Doctor. But I don’t need my husband now.” She tilts her head to the side and stares pointedly at the Doctor as if she already knows all the secrets this body holds, “I need my wife.”  
  
“Wife.” The Doctor repeats. “I’m your wife.” Her eyes widen. “River, what are you trying to tell me?”  
  
“Oh my love, so surprised to see me you never even questioned why I recognised you even though you haven’t met me in this body before.” River says. “Have you gotten slow since Darillium?”  
  
“Oi! I have not!” The Doctor says in indignation, making River chuckle lightly. “I was just - very happy to see you, River. I miss you.”  
  
“Come and see me, then.” River says simply.  
  
“In the Library?” The Doctor asks, staring at the plain white clothes River is dressed in. “Now? By yourself?”  
  
“No, not at the Library. A younger version of me is waiting for you at Luna University.” River tells her. “Only she doesn’t know that you’re the Doctor, so under no circumstances are you allowed to tell her who you are. And of course by yourself, darling, who else would you bring?”  
  
“But - but if you know who I am now, then surely she does too- ” The Doctor reasons, trying not to deflate at the thought. If River doesn’t know who she is, then she won’t be allowed to kiss her or touch her or - or smell her hair. The Doctor doesn’t know if she can handle herself around River, especially not after so long.  
  
“I’m afraid not. You have to keep who you really are a secret. For as long as you can, Doctor.” River says seriously. “She’s getting ready for her trip to the Library. You’re posing as her assistant, since her regular one is out of town for the week.”  
  
“She is?” The Doctor says.  
  
River shrugs slightly. “She will be soon enough.”  
  
The Doctor grins up at her. Oh, how she’s missed every part of living with River.  
  
“Doctor, be careful with her. She just left Darillium. She’s angry and she’s - she’s not happy.” River says softly, and the Doctor’s hearts sink at the memory of River leaving Darillium - lips trembling and her eyes sad but full of love as she presses one last kiss to the Doctor’s lips.  
  
The Doctor nods in understanding. “I’ll try not to hurt her anymore.”  
  
River smiles gently at her, tilting her head and studying the Doctor’s face carefully. “I’ll see you soon, my love. Come quick.”  
  
“River - wait!” The Doctor exclaims, and River pauses to look at her with a frown. “What am I supposed to do? How do I - how am I supposed to save you, River?”  
  
River lets out a little chuckle and shakes her head. “You’ll figure it out, Doctor.”  
  
“But - ” the Doctor starts helplessly, but River interrupts her.  
  
“You always know what to do in the end.” She says, smiling wider. “It’s one of the things I love most about you.”  
  
The Doctor’s breath hitches, and she closes her eyes momentarily. That word - those words - it’s been so long since she’s heard those words from River. Her hearts ache with want, with the desperate need to see River and to touch her and feel her, warm and whole and in her arms.  
  
Soon. But for now, she can settle for this.  
  
“I love you too,” the Doctor whispers, and River’s smile dims somewhat, turning sadder.  
  
“I know. Come home, sweetie.” She blinks at the screen as the Doctor reaches out, her fingers grazing against River’s cheek. River shudders and closes her eyes like she can feel her wife’s touch, even through the computer. When she opens her eyes again, they’re filled with tears. “I miss you.”  
  
*  
  
She can’t remember the last time she set foot in Luna University. It must be near a millennium now for her, two bodies ago and centuries before Trenzalore.  
  
It hasn’t changed much from what little of the campus remains in her memory - still lush and green and frustratingly maze-like. The Doctor sighs and consults River’s diary for what seems like the hundredth time, trying to cipher the map River drew some eight centuries ago.  
  
It seems to be the start of year-end examinations around here. Students are everywhere, carrying heavy books around and sitting on the grass or under the trees. It’s eerily silent for the amount of people around and the Doctor feels a little uncomfortable even though she knows there isn’t anyone watching. There’s always been something that felt a little off around this place.  
  
She flips a few pages of River’s diary and turns right, into a quiet hallway. Of course the archaeology section is deserted. The Doctor gives a little flip of the diary and tucks it safely into her coat as she walks down the hallway. She can’t quite remember which of these offices belongs to River, but she goes ahead and opens every door anyway, just in case.  
  
With each door revealing nothing but an empty classroom, office or lecture hall, the Doctor is getting very impatient and disheartened. At the rate that her search is going, she might have to call it a night and start looking for River tomorrow instead. The next to last door opens, and -  
  
“-most definitely not getting a signature from me, Mr Lux, I can assure you that.”  
  
\- there she is.  
  
Looking just as beautiful as the very last day she saw her, just a century ago. The Doctor’s hearts stops beating for a little while as her eyes scour every inch of her wife’s body. She feels her jaw drop as River’s head turns and her eyes meets her own - she remembers spending countless hours staring into those green orbs, the only pair of eyes in the universe that could see her for what she truly was.  
  
River is in front of her.  
  
“May we help you?” The man having a meeting with River asks, and the Doctor’s eyes travel to him. Felman Lux, of course. She still remembers. “River and I are in the middle of a meeting.”  
  
“Professor, Mr Lux,” River corrects, her gaze scorching as her eyes flicks back to the man. Mr Lux has the decency to flush red as River addresses the Doctor. “Who are you?”  
  
“I’m your- ” _Husband_. _Wait,_   _no - wife? Wrong. Minus five points, Doctor._  “ -assistant.”  
  
“Assistant?” River repeats. She frowns, and an adorable crinkle appears between her eyebrows that makes the Doctor’s hearts flutter. “But I already have one.”  
  
“Er- yes - um - your current assistant is out sick, and she will be for a while. I’m her replacement.” The Doctor walks up to River, smiling warmly, but River just raises an eyebrow at her in suspicion.  
  
“Dvora is sick?” River says again skeptically. “Of what?”  
  
“Uhh - the - br..umpst.” The Doctor improvises, cursing herself inside for not preparing better - honestly, what was she think was going to happen? That River would instantly recognise her and jump into her arms and they’d make love in her office?  
  
Okay, maybe she was hoping just a little.  
  
“Brumpst.” River repeats, still suspiciously eyeing the Doctor. “And how long will she be out for?”  
  
The Doctor shrugs. “Hard to say, you know, those little brumpst viruses. Such fickle little bastards.” She chuckles lightly, but when River doesn’t laugh along, she clears her throat and maintains a sombre expression. “Well, depending on the frequency of the vomiting and the size of her goitres are, I’d say around six to eight weeks.”  
  
Behind her, Mr Lux lets out a sound of disgust.

  
“Oh, well I’d better send along a gift.” River says, walking around her desk. She puts on her glasses and glances up at the Doctor, who swallows nervously, an onslaught of memories involving River and those glasses assaulting her. “Remind me to drop by Dvora’s place tomorrow morning.”

The Doctor snaps back to reality. “You can’t do that!” 

River raises her eyebrows at her. “And why not?”

“Because of the brumpst, of course.” The Doctor says, as if it’s obvious. “It’s highly contagious. It’ll infect anyone who comes into contact with anything she touches.”

“Oh,” River says. “Well, I guess I’ll just mail her something nice.”

“Well, since that’s sorted.” Mr Lux stands and buttons his jacket, giving River a look. “If you’ll excuse us, we really would like to get back to our meeting.” 

“Actually,” River cuts in sweetly, smiling at Lux. “Since she’s my assistant, she’ll be staying for the meeting. And your name, darling?”

River frowns at herself the moment the term of endearment leaves her lips, and the Doctor can’t help but feel the little jerk in her chest when she hears that. Oh it’s been so long, and now to finally hear it in the air around her, she feels the urge to grip River by the waist and press her lips to hers growing stronger than ever. But the look on her face - like she’s punishing herself for something - just about stops the Doctor, and in that moment, the Doctor wishes things were different for them. That they didn’t have to go through this whole charade of pretending to be someone else to be able to save her wife.

River clear her throat and looks up at the Doctor expectantly. “Your name?”

 “Oh, right.” The Doctor says, her mind racing, trying to think of a suitable name to call herself. “I’m Nan.”

River raises an eyebrow even higher than before. “Nan?”

The Doctor licks her lips and curses herself again - _seriously? Ryan’s grandma? Minus one hundred points, Doctor_  - before pasting a smile on her face and nodding. “Short for Nancydrewdanthanos. It’s a mouthful, so most people just call me Nan.”

“Alright, Nan.” River says, and she turns back to her guest. “Mr Lux over here has been trying to negotiate the terms to a non-disclosure agreement I’m expected to sign for an expedition. Have you heard of the Library?”

“Which one?”

“The _planet_.” Mr Lux bites out, clearly annoyed. “Every single book every written, in every single language, all in the biggest library in the universe - _that_  Library.” 

“Yes, the very same Library where over four thousand people vanished into thin air.” River says dryly. 

“My family cannot be held accountable for those disappearances.” Mr Lux snaps at River.

“Can’t they? It’s the whole reason we’re investigating the Library, isn’t it? To see what really caused the disappearances?” River crosses her arms over her chest and walks over to Mr Lux, looking as if she’s daring him to challenge her. “To see if your _family_  could’ve prevented it.”

Mr Lux purses his lips, his face a shade of deep red. “Be that as it may, there is still no evidence suggesting that there was any foul play- ”

“There’s also no evidence that your family could’ve prevented those attacks and chose not to.” River points out. Mr Lux purses his lips into a thinner line as River turns to face the Doctor. “Nan, what do you think about all of this?” 

“Nan is me - right.” The Doctor says under her breath, before continuing a little louder. “Non-disclosure agreements are a sham.” 

“Excuse me!” Mr Lux says indignantly. “This is not a _sham_  - I’d like to protect my family’s hard work, thank you very much.”

“Oh, save it.” River says tiredly, waving a hand in the air in a dismissive manner. “You heard my assistant. I won’t be signing your form. Now, please get out of my office.” 

“You’d rather take the word of someone you just met who has what looks like gummies sticking out of her pockets- ”

“Oi!” The Doctor exclaims indignantly. “These are _biscuits_!” 

“ -over mine? Come on, River.” Mr Lux flails around helplessly.

“Professor Song to you, Mr Lux.” River says coldly. She goes over to the door and holds it open for him. “And if you want your site to be investigated properly, and for answers to be met with your satisfaction, then I suggest you throw away your non-disclosure agreements. Otherwise, you’ll have to find some other team to investigate the Library.” 

The Doctor feels a prickle at that. If she can somehow get River to stop from getting to the Library, then River won’t ever have to sacrifice herself. She’ll never die there, and the Doctor will never lose her. 

It’s clear what she has to do - and from now on, she’s set on doing it.

Mr Lux stares hard at River, but she doesn’t back down. She stares right back with a ferocity that the Doctor has so missed, much like everything else about her. For a few moments, they stay just like that, neither of them willing to give in to the other.

In the end, Mr Lux is the one to back down, relaxing his stance and breaking eye contact. “Fine,” he says curtly. “Good day, Professor Song. 

He leaves the room. 

Silence follows his exit and the Doctor clears her throat uncomfortably, unsure what’s going on.

“So… does that mean you won’t be investigating the Library?” She asks, turning to River. Could it really have been that easy?

“Probably not. It’s a pity,” River answers, turning around thoughtfully and casting her eyes back to her desk. “I know someone who would love to join me there.”

The Doctor shifts her eyes uncomfortably, looking down to avoid staring too intently at River. That look - that look had been on her face in their last few days at Darillium. Every line in her face exuding sadness, betraying her emotions and wearing her heart on her sleeve. 

“Well, I mean, it’s just a Library, right?” The Doctor chuckles uneasily. “Not really a usual place for a date.”

River smirks and looks up at her, a twinkle in her eye. “How incredibly forward of you.”

The Doctor flushes and begins to stammer. “What - no, no, - I would never - I mean, I wouldn’t mind, but you - as in, I haven’t really - that’s not what I meant-”

River lets out a delighted laugh, her cheeks flushed and looking happy for the first time since the Doctor arrived here. The Doctor feels her hearts flutter again for the third time in the short time she’s been here, and her arms ache to hold River again - oh, these next few weeks will be the most brutal test in self-control she’ll ever endure.

“How delightful,” River says, walking around her desk and sitting back in her chair, looking up at the Doctor like a new quarry. “You’re a blusher.” 

“Only around you.” The Doctor says truthfully, and River raises her eyebrows in surprise. She clearly hadn’t expected her to flirt back, but River always did bring out that side of her. She couldn’t help it. Oh, these few weeks will be challenging indeed.

“Right.” River smiles, just a hint of nostalgia around her eyes, and the Doctor knows that she’s thinking of Bow Tie now. Clearing her throat, she swivels in her chair and plops a stack of papers on her desk. Placing her glasses on the bridge of her nose, she gestures to a smaller desk beside her, clearly where the assistant is supposed to sit. “Well, back to work, Nan.” 

“Right, uh - about that - what am I supposed to do?” 

*

“If you’re done for today, you can head out now, Nan.” River says, without looking up from her work.

After familiarising herself with the responsibilities as River’s assistant (it turns out that there are actual duties she has to perform daily), the Doctor prepares to leave. She stretches her arms over her head as she stands, feeling a little tired after doing paperwork for over an hour. She finds that she’s willing to do these tedious tasks, so long as she gets to stare at River as she works. As she screws her face up in concentration as she reads, her eyes slowly travelling down the paper. As the crinkle in her forehead deepens and her lips purses just slightly when she reads something that’s blatantly false, and how her eyebrows knit as she chews on the tip of her pencil when she’s impressed by the paper in front of her. 

The Doctor remembers long nights on Darillium, watching River as she works, so focused on the paper in front of her that not even the Doctor could distract her. River never mixed business with pleasure - not even at home, and whenever she was working she never allowed the Doctor to disturb her, no matter how hard her previous body tried. A little fond smile appears at the corner of the Doctor’s lips as she remembers all the times River had threatened to shoot him with her blaster when the Doctor had attempted to get River to indulge in more enjoyable night time activities.

“Something wrong, Nan?” River asks when she looks up, something akin to annoyance in her tone.

The Doctor flinches and springs into action, grabbing her coat that she slumped over the back of her chair and slipping it on hurriedly as she says, “Oh, nothing. I was just - leaving, that’s all.”

River frowns at her. “Are you - are you wearing braces?”

 The Doctor’s face lights up in a grin. “Yes I am. What do you reckon? Still me?” She flaps her coat over her shoulders, showing off the braces before looking up at River again. Her smile falters when she sees the look on her face.

“Still you?” River repeats, and the Doctor’s eyes widens when she realises what she said.

“Oh, no I meant- ” the Doctor fumbles for an explanation, her brain working furiously. “A friend bought these for me and you know, I was just trying this new look out. Wondering if it still suits me.” 

“It does.” River says, before she turns away slightly. The Doctor can’t help the grin that escapes. River clears her throat slightly, before looking up at the Doctor again. “I’m sorry, it’s just that - you remind me incredibly of someone I used to know very well.”

“A nice person, I hope?” The Doctor asks a little cheekily, stepping closer to River’s desk. When she doesn’t say anything, the Doctor picks up a decorative piece from the table and examines it with her hands, turning it over and running her fingers over the gem in the middle.

 When River doesn’t answer, the Doctor looks up to see her watching with an amused expression on her face. She looks pointedly at the knick knack in her hands. “He _is_ the type to pick things up without permission. I don’t know if I’d call that nice.” 

The Doctor places the trinket back carefully, her ears turning red. Clearing her throat, she looks down at a smirking River and says, “He sounds lovely.” She turns towards the windows and sees that the skies are already dark. “I better get going. It was nice to see-meet you.” She quickly corrects herself. “It was nice to meet you, River.”

“It was nice to meet you too, Nan.” River smiles. She takes off her reading glasses and stands. “Why don’t you wait a while I pack up? We can grab a drink and I can show you around.”

The Doctor tilts her head. “How do you know I’m not from around here?” 

River smirks. “It shows.” She says simply. She walks around her desk and stops right in front of the Doctor, tilting her head a little. She lowers her voice and the Doctor feels something in the pit of her stomach, something she hasn’t felt since Darillium. “I’d love to get to know you better, Nan.”

The Doctor flushes, her hearts fluttering inside her chest as her breathing deepens and she catches a whiff of River’s intoxicating shampoo. The scent makes her head spin and the way River looks at her certainly isn’t helping. Thoughts and images of how they can spend time _getting to know each other_  swirls around her head, and she nearly lets herself give in. 

But then she remembers what’s at stake - she could be jeopardising River’s life and existence if she loses focus now. The Doctor knows with absolute certainty that if she gets River tonight, there will be no stopping her from telling her who she is.

“I- River, I’m not really- ” the Doctor stammers, trying to figure out how to reject her own wife’s advances when every fibre of her body is telling her not to. She curses her body for responding so readily to River, and she curses River for being so bloody… _River_.

River’s hand reaches up and swipes across the Doctor’s cheek. The Doctor feels her hearts thumping harder and harder in her chest as the look in River’s eyes darkens. She leans down, giving the Doctor a view of the honey skin of her neck and the heady scent of her perfume. More because of familiarity than anything, the Doctor’s hands reaches out to grasp River’s waist, her grip tightening when River’s lips make contact with her ear.

River gives a gentle tug with her teeth at the Doctor’s earlobe and whispers, her voice soft, “Tell me who you really are.”

When the Doctor fully processes the demand, her eyes snap open and she scrambles backward, putting herself at a safe distance from her seductive wife.

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

River rolls her eyes. “Oh, come on. Nancy Drew? The detective? Thanos, from the comic books?” She turns back to the table and starts fiddling with her crafts. “I’m an archaeologist who was raised on Earth in the 1990s. You would know that if whoever you’re working for did actual research on me.” 

The Doctor curses herself again as panic courses through her veins. She should’ve known that River would figure it out - her wife is incredibly clever and she never would’ve thought otherwise. The Doctor is really regretting going into this without a plan. 

“I’m- it’s not what you think it is, River- ”

“What do you want?” River asks, and there’s no hint of a smile, no hint of mercy. Just anger and darkness, and as she raises the gun and points it at the Doctor’s head, there’s just a hint of a smirk at the corner of her mouth. “You picked a really bad time to mess with me. I’m not in the mood for any damn chase. What the hell do you want?”

The Doctor raises her hands in surrender and looks at River carefully. Library River was right - she’s heartbroken and angry, and though it normally would be hard to tell with River, she’s spent 24 years wearing her heart on her sleeve. Over two decades letting her guard down around the Doctor; over two decades wearing her emotions plainly on her face.

She needs River to calm down. She needs her to be rational, and that won’t happen until River gets what she wants.

“Put the gun down, and I’ll tell you everything you want to know.” The Doctor negotiates. 

River lets out a cold, derisive laugh. “If you don’t say anything, I’ll put a bullet through your head.” She steps closer, placing careful eyes on the Doctor. “Are you a Time Agent? A member of the Discordia?” 

The Doctor grimaces. “Don’t insult me.” 

“Don’t play games with me.” River says, her jaw locking. “I’m not looking to play nice.”

 “No, you never do, sweetheart.” The Doctor uses the pet name she had reserved for River in Darillium. She knows there isn’t any other way for her to get out of this without River shooting her. 

“Don’t call me that.” River grits her teeth, her entire body tensing.

“You know, the last time you pointed a gun at me, we ended up getting married.” The Doctor says, still holding her hands up in surrender. River blanches but she still doesn’t put down the gun. 

“Oh? Forgive me, but I’ve married a lot of people.” She doesn’t look the least bit apologetic at all as her grip on the gun tightens. She cocks her head to the side. “Remind me again?” 

“Well, we got married five hundred and thirty-three times, and if I described every one of our weddings we’ll be here all day.” The Doctor watches as realisation dawns on River slowly, but she doesn’t stop talking. “But I’ll start with the first one. Time was falling apart all around us. The reality of everything was crumbling, all because you wouldn’t kill me. In the end, we got married. Because we love each other more than every living thing in the universe.”

River’s eyes fills with tears. “Doctor?”


	3. i'll follow right down the river, where the ocean meets the sky to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all the lovely comments guys ♥♥♥ i'm so happy that ya'll are enjoying the story 
> 
> Chapter title from Only You by Little Mix feat. Cheat Codes

“Don’t you  _ ever  _ use my husband against me.” River hisses, and before she knows it, the Doctor finds herself pressed against the desk, a knife to her throat. “Don’t you ever think you’ll be able to do that and leave my sight alive.”

“River, it’s me.” The Doctor says, leaning back as far as she can go, trying to keep the sharp point of the knife in her peripheral vision. “Haven’t I proved it to you yet?”

Her wife scoffs. “The entire universe knows how the Doctor and I got married. That isn’t telling.”

“River, look at me. Just- just see me.” The Doctor pleads. Looking far more brave than she feels, she clasps at River’s hand that’s still gripping the knife tightly and pulls it towards her chest, letting River’s knuckles rest against the space between her hearts. She swallows and watches River’s face carefully; watches as her eyebrows furrow as she feels the steady pounding of two hearts; as her grip on the knife loosens and she releases a hitching breath; as her eyes fill with real tears this time and she looks up at her wife, her mouth agape. The Doctor carefully reaches for the knife and places it a safe distance from both of them. “And if that doesn’t convince you, I can tell you a myriad of other things only I know. I can tell you how we woke up every day on Darillium. I can tell you how we spent twenty-four perfect years together. I can tell you that I’m the Doctor,  _ your _ Doctor, River Song, and how I’ve missed you so very mu- ”

The Doctor is interrupted when River leans down and covers her mouth with her own. The Doctor sighs into her wife’s mouth, feeling giddy, feeling her hearts fill to the brim and explode inside her, feeling River again. 

She doesn’t know how long they stand there, kissing each other hungrily, small, breathy moans escaping as hands roam both familiar and unfamiliar territories. All she can say is that this feels  _ perfect _ \- they shouldn’t have ever stopped doing this. They shouldn’t have ever let something as trivial as  _ fixed points _ separate them. Hadn’t their entire marriage happened because they broke time?

“Doctor,” River whispers, her voice trembling as she pulls away. The Doctor sees tears that haven’t fallen yet and immediately she reaches up, cupping River’s cheeks tenderly in her hands. “I thought I’d never see you again, after Darillium.”

“I’d never allow that to happen.” The Doctor says softly, her hearts clenching inside her because she almost  _ did _ allow it to happen - she almost allowed the stupid, ridiculous notion of fixed points take River away from her. “It’s not going to happen, River. That’s why I came.”

River raises her eyebrows. “You have a plan?”

“Well… not  _ really _ . More of an… outline. But - but I’ll have to give you spoilers, and I’m not sure that’s wise.” The Doctor says slowly.

River takes the Doctor’s hand in hers, intertwining their fingers together. “Let’s leave the planning tomorrow, sweetie.” She whispers, and something in her voice makes the Doctor feel a  _ thing _ brewing in the pit of her stomach. “You’re a woman now.”

“Do you like it?” The Doctor asks, unable to resist getting River’s approval.

River bites her lips, looking her wife up and down and back up again. She looks at the Doctor through her lashes, a pleased smile on her face as her cheeks redden a little. “I like it  _ very _ much, Doctor.”

The Doctor preens a little at that as River laughs, stepping in her personal space. The Doctor feels the desk dig into her back a little as River approaches her with a grin, giving their clasped hands a little squeeze. Her other hand trails inside the Doctor’s coat, giving a little snap to the braces and smiling in amusement when the Doctor makes a noise of indignation.

“I see you brought these back,” she whispers in the Doctor’s ear, leaning down to press her face into the crook of her wife’s neck.

The Doctor finds that this body hasn’t changed in regards to the way it reacts to River when they’re in such close proximity. She feels something akin to excitement shoot through her nerves as River’s lips make contact with the skin on her neck, and her free hand shoots up to dig into River’s shoulder and pull her closer. 

“I’ve missed you, Doctor.” River whispers softly, the tone of her voice changing. She sounds so sincere and so very sad, and it pulls at the Doctor’s heartstrings. “So very much. From the moment we left Darillium.”

“Same here,” the Doctor says hoarsely, tucking River’s wild curls behind her ear. “Every day.”

River peels the Doctor’s coat off her back. “Every hour.”

The Doctor stands on the tips of her toes to press her mouth against River’s. “Every minute.” She whispers, before capturing her wife’s lips again.

River lifts the Doctor onto the desk, never breaking their kiss. Her fingers brush against the Doctor’s thigh, and the Doctor gives a slight moan. “Every damn second, Doctor.”

“Every nano- ”

“No more talking, darling.” River cuts her off, pulling back and reaching behind her for the zipper to her dress. 

The dress pools on the floor and the Doctor becomes too incoherent to speak.

*

If the Doctor could freeze time, she would definitely freeze it right here, right now - both her and River, laying on the couch in her office, their naked bodies pressed tight against each other and their breaths mingling as they talk to each other quietly, leaning in for the occasional kiss. It feels so much better than she remembers it to be, and she can’t quite fathom the thought of getting up and leaving this quiet, peaceful, happy bubble they have around them now.

But the question in River’s eyes can be ignored no longer, and even less so when she chooses to actually ask the question.

“Why are you here, Doctor?” she asks quietly, her fingers ghosting over the Doctor’s side, stroking her skin softly. “What have you come to do?”

The Doctor stays quiet for a while, wondering how much she should tell River. Her wife knows her too well, because she senses her hesitation and immediately says, “The  _ entire _ truth. No omissions. No lies. No more spoilers, remember?”

The Doctor looks up at her wife, but when she opens her mouth to speak, the words won’t come. She licks her lips, and tries again, but she just can’t tell River that the time will come for her to die - to save her, to save a version of her that doesn’t even know her yet. 

“What have I told you about the first time I met you?” the Doctor asks, clearing her throat a little and trying to hide any trace of tears. 

River tilts her head a little and frowns in thought. “Not much. Just the usual.”

The Doctor nods. “I told you that you were brilliant. That you were smart and amazing and you caught my eye. And that first time was the time I started falling in love with you, even if I tried to deny it.” Her lips start trembling and River reaches out to hold her hands tightly, not saying anything but offering her silence, her presence and her comfort. “But you never asked  _ why _ I tried to deny it. I know - I know you thought it was because I was scared of commiting, scared of being trapped by a timeline, but - but that wasn’t everything.”

River shakes her head. “I don’t understand, Doctor.”

The Doctor squeezes her hands tightly. “When I met you, you- you died, River. For me. To save me and so many others.” The Doctor pauses, but River doesn’t react, doesn’t even blink at the revelation. “That’s why I fought so long to deny how I felt for you. Because I knew - maybe even as soon as I met you - I knew that you would become so, so important to me. The most important to me.”

“You came to say goodbye,” River whispers, eyes filling with tears at the realisation. “Is this your goodbye?”

“No! No - of course not.” The Doctor says quickly, blinking away tears to reassure her wife. “Of course not, River. I promised you I wouldn’t ever say goodbye to you, not after Darillium. Remember that?”

“Rule number one.” River whispers.

“Not about this. Never about this.” The Doctor says, swallowing roughly and shaking her head insistently. “I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you again, okay?”

“Then why are you here?” 

“Because I can’t let you die,” the Doctor says almost desperately, as she echoes what had been her wife’s vows on their wedding day. “Without knowing that you are loved. By so many, and so much. And by no one more than me.”

“Doctor, please.” River whispers, her voice breaking now as tears start rolling down her cheeks. 

“I can’t let you die without at least  _ trying _ to save you, River.” The Doctor says, shaking her head as she starts crying, too. “I owe you at least that much.”

River sits up on the couch, pulling the throw over her chest as she stares back down at the Doctor. Even in the dim light of the lamps illuminating the room, the Doctor can see the trail of tears on River’s cheeks. 

“I’ve always known I would die saving you, sweetie,” she says softly. “Please don’t risk all of reality for this.”

“For you?” the Doctor asks. River looks away, but the Doctor sits up with her too, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “I’m not going to stop trying, River. I - I don’t want to live in a universe where I won’t be able to accidentally drop on a planet and find out that you’re their queen.”

“Those days are far behind me,” River denies, shaking her head. “Please, Doctor, have some sense. None of this is worth it- ”

“River, please,” the Doctor says, just a hint of desperation and anger in her voice as she talks. “This is  _ very _ worth it.  _ You’re  _ very worth it. And I don’t - I don’t care! We’ve risked all of reality before, haven’t we?”

“That was to save  _ you! _ ”

“How is this any different?” The Doctor demands, standing up and turning around, her eyes flashing. The throw slips off her body but she doesn’t care. All she cares about is that her wife is trying to talk her out of this when  _ she’s _ the one who did it before - who broke a fixed point for her before. “You can risk time and space for me but I can’t do the same for you? Who wrote that rule, anyway? Because it’s a rubbish rule and I’m not following it.”

“Doctor, listen to yourself,” River stands too, her gaze pleading. “You’re willing to risk all of this - everything in the universe - just for some selfish quest to save someone you don’t need to save!”

“I  _ do _ need to save you!” The Doctor shouts, whirling around. “And I  _ am _ selfish, River! If I don’t - if there’s a chance in hell that I’ll be able to get you back then I am  _ not  _ wasting it. Because I need to save you.”

“Stop this, Doctor,” River warns. She grasps the Doctor’s shoulders tightly in her hands, her eyes still full of tears but somehow still managing to look stern. “You  _ can _ live without me.”

The Doctor calms herself, deflating slightly as she looks into her wife’s eyes and shakes her head. “I can’t. I don’t want to. Not after this.” She takes one of River’s hands and presses the back of her palm to her lips softly. “I don’t want to live without my wife.”

But River still shakes her head. “Doctor, you’ve done fine before.”

“I  _ had  _ you before,” she says, squeezing River’s hand tighter. “I could still see you, still touch you - ”

“You once spent a thousand years without any of that,” River points out. “What’s changed since then?”

“Darillium!” The Doctor almost shouts, taking a deep breath and calming herself down before she speaks again. “Darillium happened, River, and then - and then I spent another century without you and I was trying so  _ hard  _ to let you go, trying so hard not to think about you or how much I wanted to see you again, and then - and then I got a call.”

“A call?” River repeats.

“From you. In the future,” the Doctor explains. “When you… died, I saved your consciousness into a computer. You called me, and you told me that I could still save you, that there was still hope. So I came here. And now you’re telling me that you don’t want to be saved, and I - what am I supposed to say, River? What can I say that will convince you to allow me to do this?” She asks desperately, sighing now. “Because I  _ want _ to do this. So badly. For you and for me, because I don’t want to - I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Not anymore.”

“Sweetie,” River sighs, her eyes filled with fresh tears. The Doctor has only ever seen River cry this much once - when they said goodbye to each other, on their last night on Darillium. “You’re such a bloody idiot.”

The corners of the Doctor’s lips turn up a little. “I haven’t changed, then.”

“No, you definitely haven’t,” River agrees, letting out a small chuckle. She gives a little sigh of defeat. “What do you have planned? Where do I die?”

The Doctor gives a little freeze, and she shifts uncomfortable as she remembers what had happened in the office just mere hours ago, when she helped River decline the visit to the place where she’ll meet her for the first time. 

“The Library,” she says quietly.

“The place that you had me decline to investigate?” River glares, and the Doctor almost withers under her stare. 

“Yes?”

“Doctor, you realise what would’ve happened if I never visited the Library?” she asks, anger rising in her voice and in her body, her glare strengthening by a tenfold. “You could’ve erased our  _ entire _ timeline, Doctor! You never would’ve met me, and I never would’ve met you!”

“I know, but I was - I was desperate, and I needed you to stay for a while while I figured a plan out.” The Doctor explains hurriedly, because the fury in River’s eyes could send the boldest and bravest soldier running for the hills. 

“ _ Nothing  _ is worth erasing our time together, Doctor,” she bites out. “Not even my death.”

The Doctor shuts her eyes for a while and swallows quickly, opening them again and fixing River with an apologetic stare. “I’m sorry. I really am. I wouldn’t - I would never do anything to jeopardise our time together, River, you know that. I just wasn’t thinking straight, and I just - I thought if you never went there then maybe we could’ve met somewhere else, or- ”

River shakes her head. “That’s too big a risk to take, Doctor.”

The Doctor nods. “Of course, I know. I’m sorry.”

River sighs and takes a step towards her wife, her hand reaching up to touch the Doctor’s cheek gently. “I would rather have loved you for the time we had than risk it all for the possibility of forever, my love.”

“I know, sweetheart,” the Doctor says quietly. “And I would’ve said the same yesterday but- but you called me from the Library, River. You told me this would happen, and that I’d be able to save you. You wouldn’t lie to me about that, would you?”

“I told you I’d never lie to you unless I needed to, and I’ve kept my promise.” River says seriously. 

“Then I need to see this through. I need to know I tried everything before I just - before I give up.” The Doctor says determinedly. “You’ve spent your entire life saving me, wife. Let me be the one to save you this time.”

River smiles, and the Doctor’s hearts flutter the way they always do. “Just for once, my love, I’ll be your damsel in distress.”

*

After finally pulling on some clothes (much to the Doctor’s very obvious objection) and giving River a very thorough recount of the day she met her, they sit cross-legged on the floor of River’s office, drawing up different plans to see which would fit the most. So far, they’ve only got the following, written in River’s elegant script:

 

  * __Use Tesselecta (won’t leave behind a body)__


  * _Use a clone or illusion of some kind (???)_


  * _Use a Ganger_



“A Ganger will just melt once you connect the wires.” River points out.

The Doctor frowns, bringing a pencil to her forehead and looking at the plans in detail, gathering everything she knows about Gangers and trying to filter out the information.

“What if… what if we get an advanced version of the Ganger?” The Doctor says, her eyes bright as she looks up at River. 

River furrows her brow in thought. “Didn’t they stop the production of Gangers when they started taking over the actual people and gaining sentience?” 

“No, they just hid it from the public. You know how humans are.” The Doctor says.

“But what if my Ganger actually gains sentience and refuses to do what we say?”

“River, the Ganger would be a clone of you.” The Doctor says, getting excited as she flips through the papers and finds an article. “Look at this:  _ ‘The Ganger is a perfect replica of the original organism, identical in physicality and in thought.’ _ ”

“My Ganger would share the same views as me,” River concludes, understanding. “Which means that she’ll be willing to go along with our plan, as well as become our scapegoat.”

“Yes! One hundred points for me!” The Doctor cheers excitedly, pumping her fists as River watches in amusement, an eyebrow raised. “I have a points system. I give myself points when I’m being clever.”

River’s gaze reverts back to the data sheet in front of her, examining it carefully as she says, “So your points are in the negative, then?”

“Oi!” The Doctor says indignantly. River doesn’t answer, but the corners of her mouth turn upwards. 

“And would an advanced version of a Ganger leave behind a body identical to a human’s?” River asks seriously, diverting their attention back to the topic at hand.

The Doctor shrugs. “Let’s find out.” She holds up the newspaper in her hand and waves it at her wife, smiling brightly. “Fancy a trip back to 52nd Century Earth, wife?”

River tilts her head, a small smile spreading quickly across her face as she looks at her wife. “When do we leave?”


	4. and even as i wander, i'm keeping you in sight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from ‘Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore’ by REO Speedwagon

“I can't believe you made me call Mr. Lux and beg him for the trip to the Library.”

“I wouldn't call it begging.”

“Well, that's what it was.”

The Doctor turns to River with an indignant look on her face. “You called him up, said ‘I'll do your dumb expedition’ and hung up on him.”

“That's practically going down on my knees and begging for mercy!” River says, her arms folded and looking genuinely cross. 

“You did much worse to me so many times!” the Doctor points out. “Remember our eighteenth honeymoon?”

River's lips turn upwards into a small smirk. “Well now, I remember me literally being down on my knees for you, sweetie.”

The Doctor blushes. “If you're not careful, I'll get you down on your knees again,” she mumbles under her breath.

River gasps. “My, my Doctor, still? Just hours after my office?”

The Doctor smiles. “Always, River. Do you really have to ask?”

“I know.” River lifts a shoulder in a nonchalant shrug. “I just like hearing you say it.”

She flashes a bright smile in the Doctor's direction and picks up her pace, curls bouncing in the morning sun. They're on 52nd century Earth, in the outskirts of Britain. A factory sits just a few kilometres away, standing tall and casting a shadow against the sunlight. It looks almost like an old, abandoned castle, with four towers in its corners and a bridge to connect them. On the front of the building, in large letters, reads ‘ **The Ganger Factory’** .

The Doctor looks back at her wife and takes her hand in hers. “Let's do this.”

They approach the security guard near the gates, and the Doctor whips out her psychic paper.

“Can I help you, ladies?” the security guard asks, flashing both of them a friendly smile.

“We're health inspectors,” the Doctor says. “I'm the Doctor and this is my wife - “

“I'm her boss,” River cuts in, her charming smile disarming both the Doctor and the security guard. “We've come for a check of the premises.”

“There isn't an inspection scheduled for today,” the security guard says, turning back to his desk and flipping papers around. 

“Oh, it's a surprise inspection,” the Doctor says. “You know, with the viruses and infections going on and whatnot - “ 

“Yes, it's supposed to be an off the record inspection, if that's alright with you-” River squints her eyes at the nametag and flashes another perfect smile at the man- “Mr. Haas.”

“I suppose that's alright, then,” Mr. Haas says, visibly melting under River's gaze. “Will you need an escort?”

“Oh no, that's fine,” the Doctor says politely. “Just point us to the direction of the specially-designed harnesses.”

The security guard nods and stands, pointing to the far left of the building. “The harnesses are kept on that side of the building, fourth floor. The room is locked, so you'll have to get a key from someone. Should I call the office for you?”

“Oh, no, that's okay,” the Doctor says hurriedly, as Mr. Haas makes to turn around and pick up the phone on his desk. “We'll get a key on the way up. And where is The Flesh?”

“Oh, they keep The Flesh far away from the harnesses, just in case.” Mr. Haas says, pointing to the far right of the building this time. “It's in the basement of that tower over there.”

“Thank you so much, Mr. Haas,” River says again, and the Doctor pulls her away quickly towards the harnesses. 

“What was that?” she asks, as the walk quickly towards the far left of the building. 

“What was what?”

“My  _ boss? _ ”

River raises an eyebrow. “Am I not your boss?”

The Doctor glares. “You're my  _ wife _ . And my  _ partner. _ ”

“You may be a woman now but that ego of yours is still a man's,” River says, and the Doctor rolls her eyes. “Besides, he never would've bought that. I'm so clearly the dominant one, sweetie.”

The Doctor narrows her eyes while River flutters her eyelashes prettily as they continue their quick pace to the harnesses. The Doctor groans, knowing she's lost the argument. 

“See?” River says in a tone of triumph. “Submissive.”

They find the only locked room on the fourth floor quickly, while blending in with the workers. The Doctor draws out her sonic and the door unlocks with a satisfying  _ click _ , swinging open easily and revealing rows and rows of harnesses, with people still in them. 

“Right,” River says, looking around the room. Their voices echo around the vast space. “What's the plan, Doctor?”

“We steal a harness, preferably an empty one,” the Doctor starts.

“Easy enough.”

“Then, we'll have to bring it down to the basement, where the Flesh is, and plug it in there. Then you get in the chamber, and rest.” 

“What? Doctor!” River protests loudly.

“I know, it'll be a challenge getting the chamber past the workers, but we'll think of something - “

“No! Not that!” River says, almost in disbelief as she looks at the Doctor with wide eyes. “Why do I have to get in the chamber now? The expedition is in a month.”

“Well, I'll have to know it's really working,” the Doctor says, as if it's obvious. “What if we get a harness that's malfunctioning? Then we'll have to come back again and it'll be embarrassing for both of us.”

“I was hoping for more time with you.” River frowns. 

“What? No, no, sweetheart, that's not what I meant - ” The Doctor rushes to River's side and takes her hands gently, smiling reassuringly. “After I test everything, after I make sure everything is in order, you'll come out of the harness, I promise.”

But River still frowns and shakes her head. “What about the team? Are we not rescuing them?”

“River…” the Doctor trails off. She hates the sadness and disappointment in River's eyes. “I - the Vashta Nerada ate their bodies - ”

“I sacrificed mine. But we're saving me.” River points out.

“I  _ watched _ their consciousness fade, River. I listened to them dying.” The Doctor shakes her head. “There's no way out for them. Your consciousness hadn't faded when I saved you in the Library.”

“Doctor,” River breathes in disappointment. 

The Doctor's shoulders sag. “I know. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wish there was another way but you know what happens when we try to mess with too many things in a fixed point.”

“All of time and space come falling down around us?”

“Exactly,” the Doctor says softly. “And as amazing as it was the first time…”

“It was painful, too,” River finishes, nodding in understanding. “I know.”

“I'm sorry,” the Doctor says again.

River closes her eyes. “I just… don't know how I'll be able to face my team knowing that I'm leading them to their deaths.”

“I’m sorry,” the Doctor offers, squeezing River’s hands tightly. She doesn’t meet River’s eyes because she can’t - there isn’t anyway to make it better for her. “Let’s finish this, okay?”

River nods and they let go of each other, though the Doctor still spies River wiping the corners of her eyes as they begin their search of an unoccupied harness. The Doctor sighs and reminds herself that the lie is necessary to maintain - it would only cause River to hurt even more. 

The search is long and tedious, through the maze of people in their harnesses. The Doctor sees a few twitching in their restraints, though not too violently to have to react to it. Eventually they come to a row of empty ones right at the back of the room, almost all with a handwritten sign on each of them:  **MALFUNCTIONING.**

“How long until they switch shifts?” River asks, as she ducks under the rope separating the harnesses being used from the ones that aren’t. 

“I dunno, why would you ask me that?” the Doctor asks.

River casts a glare and sighs in frustration. “You asked a worker if there were any biscuits in this factory but you didn’t think to ask what time the shift changes?”

“Right. It’s probably alright, we came at the crack of dawn, didn’t we?” the Doctor says confidently, though she still sneaks a few peeks over her shoulder to ensure that no one is climbing out of their harnesses here. 

“Doctor, they haven’t switched shifts since we got here. The crack of dawn is usually when they switch shifts!” River hisses back.

“Alright, alright. I’ll stand guard here, and you unhook those wires from the harness. We’ll figure out a way to sneak out of here when the time - ”

The Doctor is interrupted by the sounds of hundreds of harnesses being activated at once and the humans inside said harnesses waking up. River thinks quickly and grabs the back of the Doctor’s coat, dragging her into a dark corner. 

“Minus a thousand points, Doctor!” River whispers in the Doctor’s ear, her lips grazing the Doctor’s skin slightly.

The Doctor manoeuvres herself in the tight space, turning around to face River and look up at her. She scrunches her face. 

“Still getting used to the height thing.” She mutters, and River’s only response is to glare at her. Still, she can’t help the smile that crosses her face. “Just like old times with Bow Tie, eh?”

River’s glare dims somewhat and the corners of her lips turn upwards just slightly into an amused smile. “I do remember that you really liked trapping us in tight and dark spaces on purpose.”

The Doctor stands on the tip of her toes to press a light kiss onto River’s lips. “I still do, actually.”

River’s response is to grab the Doctor’s waist tightly and press their bodies closer, tilting her head down and capturing the Doctor’s lips in a passionate kiss. Memories of doing this with the Doctor’s previous regenerations swirl around her head and makes her even more eager for her wife -  _ River, down on her knees, and the Doctor standing above her, one hand wound tight in her curls and the other grasping the back of the tiny storeroom cupboard they found themselves in, while an alien invasion occurs outside; her legs wrapped around his waist, in a dark alleyway right outside the ballroom where Darillium hosts their annual charity event. _

Breathing hard and biting lips to prevent from moaning out loud, River sneaks her hand inside of the Doctor’s coat, a delighted laugh almost spilling from her lips because  _ oh, _ this is exactly what she’d been so afraid of losing after Darillium - sneaking around in secret, knowing exactly the risk of getting caught but still going on with it anyway. They never were able to keep their hands off each other.

The sounds of quiet chatter fill the room as people bid each other goodbye after a long work day, and River uses the cover of the noise to sneak a hand inside the Doctor’s pants. She curls her fingers and strokes feather lightly, and smirks when the Doctor’s eyes widens at the sensation. 

“River,” the Doctor pants in her ear, one arm coming up to squeeze River’s bicep as the stroking continues. “Sweetheart, please- ”

“Shh, sweetie, just relax.” River whispers back, one arm around her wife’s waist to keep her steady. “Keep quiet.”

“I don’t know how,” the Doctor forces out, as River plunges a finger inside her. She leans her forehead on River’s shoulder, panting harder. “How did you manage to keep quiet during all the times we did this?”

River smirks into the Doctor’s hair. “Practice.”

A flicker of a smile crosses the Doctor’s face. “I look forward to it.”

“Now shush, sweetie, or we’ll get caught.” River whispers, her wrist starts moving urgently.

The Doctor bites her lip, still too aware of the movement and sounds behind her, but at the same time losing grip of everything that isn’t River. She lets out a small groan of frustration into River’s shoulder and leans her weight even more on River’s arm, and before they know it, both of them are on the ground.

“Who’s there?” A strong voice demands, and the Doctor sighs in frustration as River slips her hand out of the Doctor's pants.

“Health Inspectors,” River says coolly, getting up and fixing the worker with a stare. The Doctor scrambles to get up beside her, feeling her pockets for the psychic paper when she sees River holding it up for the worker to see. “This area is under inspection.”

The worker nods. “Sorry, ma'am. Not used to people outside in here.” 

He turns back to the people gathered around him. “Go home. See you back here at 12am sharp.”

There are mutters of ‘yes, boss’ and ‘understood’ as a handful of people make their way out of the room, and the worker faces them again.

“Is there a problem here, ma'am? Anything I can help you with?” he asks helpfully, though his friendliness stops there. His face is stoic and he seems more of a soldier than a factory worker.

“Uh - we're inspecting the harnesses for contamination,” the Doctor says, thinking quickly despite still feeling breathless and flustered. She casts River a look and glares when she smirks back, but she quickly turns her eyes back to the worker. “Doing routine checks and such. How long have you been working here?”

“Almost fifteen years.”

“Have there ever been any incidents with the harnesses? Any accidents caused by working with the Flesh?” River asks.

“Not for as long as I've been working here.” he answers.

“Right, well, just to be safe, we'd like to bring one harness back with us to be tested,” River says. 

“I'm not sure that's allowed, ma'am,” the worker says, frowning now. “I'll have to check with my superiors.”

“I'm sure you wouldn't want your workers to be working in an unsafe environment, would you?” The Doctor tilts her head at the worker, quickly catching on to what River is doing. “We've been called to inspect these harnesses as well as The Flesh for a reason.”

“And that reason is?”

River exchanges a look with the Doctor.

“It's on a strictly need-to-know basis.” River says. 

“With all due respect, ma'am,” the worker says, his frown deepening now, “If my life as well as my co-workers’ lives are in danger because of the harnesses, I think we have the right to know.”

“Well, that's exactly what we want to find out,” the Doctor says, nodding. “And to do that, we need to test a harness. What about that one over there? It isn’t in use, correct?”

“Yes ma’am. But wouldn’t it be a better idea to inspect one of the harnesses that my people and I are actually using?” 

The Doctor smiles brightly at the stoic-faced worker. “Brilliant idea.”

“Take mine.” The worker turns around and leads them to a harness somewhere in the middle. He bends and fiddles with it, and wheels spring from the bottom. “There. Do you need help wheeling it out?”

“No, that’s alright.” River says, already grasping the handles. “Thank you.”

“No problem.” He gives them just a slight smile and turns, leaving the room. 

The Doctor turns and gives River a huge grin. “This is great! We won’t need to test it to see if it’s working.”

“Well, what now?” River asks.

The Doctor’s grin widens and she resists the urge to jump in her excitement and joy - the plan is actually  _ working _ . In just a month, she’ll finally be able to be with her wife without any more spoilers. 

“I still have to test something with your harness, so we’ll still need to go down to The Flesh - ”

“Are you lying to me, Doctor?” River asks seriously.

The smile on the Doctor’s face falters and she turns back to River, a frown on her face. “No. No, of course not.”

“What is this  _ ‘thing’ _ you need to test?” 

“River,” the Doctor sighs, stepping towards her and trying to take her hand, but River pulls away and stares at her with eyes full of distrust.

“I can tell when you’re lying. Why are you lying?” River demands, distrust morphing into anger now as she glares at the Doctor. 

“River, please. You have to trust me.” The Doctor reaches out and grabs her wife’s hand, pressing a kiss to the back of her palm. She nudges her nose against River’s fingers and breathes out, “I love you so much. I promise you, this is important. And you  _ have _ to trust me on this.”

“Why do I feel like you’re planning to do something stupid, like sacrifice yourself?” River asks, and though she makes no movement to take her hand back she still looks furious with the Doctor.

The corners of the Doctor’s lips turn upwards into a smile. “No, no. Nothing like that.”

River’s eyes fills with tears as she says, her voice wobbling slightly, “Then why does it feel like you’re saying goodbye?”

The Doctor closes her eyes and breathes out, her lips still pressed against River’s hand. “I promise to tell you everything soon. I cross both my hearts, River. Just trust me for now.”

For a long moment, River says nothing. She simply stares at the Doctor with wide eyes, those eyes that have only ever looked out for her wife. The Doctor stares back, feeling the air around them thicken with tension.

“I always trust you,” River says finally, and the Doctor releases a breath she didn't know she was holding. 

“Thank you,” she whispers into River's hand, pressing another small kiss to her palm. She laces their fingers together and grasps one handle, River holding onto the other side. “Let's go.”

They reach the other side of the factory without any disturbance. All the workers are still getting ready for their shift, and none of them seem too worried about two women pushing along a harness towards the Flesh. They find an abandoned room just a corridor away from the substance and settle in there. 

“Alright. You strap yourself in, and I'll meet you when you come out of the Flesh,” the Doctor says to River, who nods in response. “Do you have your sonic with you?”

River raises an eyebrow and reaches towards her back pocket, presenting her own sonic screwdriver with a flourish. “Do you really have to ask?”

“Brilliant.” The Doctor grins at her wife and presses one last kiss to her lips. “Alright. Stay safe.”

“You too, sweetie.”

The Doctor flashes one last smile at River before hurrying towards the door, closing it shut behind her and checking the hallway to see if there is anyone wandering around. She doesn't want anyone happening on River while she's in the stasis chamber. 

Once satisfied that there isn't anyone that can interrupt them, she makes her way to the Flesh. She turns another corridor and hurries to the end, throwing the door open and grinning wide when she sees River, sitting in the corner of the room with one leg crossed over the other.

She smiles. “You certainly took your time.”

“Sorry,” the Doctor apologises, approaching the clone and examining her carefully. “I had to make sure that there weren't any lost souls wandering around. How do you feel?”

The Ganger shrugs and stands, stopping in front of the Doctor. “I feel like me.”

The Doctor grins even wider - this just might work after all. “Excellent.” 

“Have you done what you needed to with my harness?” Ganger River asks.

The Doctor falters a little, her smile vanishing as suddenly as being doused with cold water. She'd almost forgotten about this part - too preoccupied with the elation that came when she realised that soon, she could actually live with River. Just the both of them, together. Happy.

“No, I haven't.” The Doctor stares at River, her eyes filled with sadness that her wife recognises instantly.

“Are you going to tell me what's happening?” River asks, frowning at the look on the Doctor's face. 

“I'm sorry,” the Doctor says softly, looking down. “I couldn't do this with you - the  _ actual _ you - I wasn't sure you'd agree to it.”

“Agree to what?” asks Ganger River, looking bewildered. 

“I'm sorry,” the Doctor whispers again, and she presses her lips to her wife's. 

As she kisses Ganger River, she feels guilt weigh down on her shoulders and tears prickling at her eyes. She shuts them tight, her arms winding around River’s waist as she kisses her desperately. With River distracted, she opens a mental connection between them and is immediately shunned back into her own mind.

Gasping, the Doctor breaks the kiss and stares at River. “What was that?” 

River frowns, confused. “What was what?”

“The- the barrier - it was like there was a forcefield in your mind - ”

“Doctor, we can’t share a connection. I’m a Ganger,” River says quietly, frowning curiously as she watches the Doctor wipe at the corners of her eyes. “What were you trying to do?”

The Doctor sighs again and places a hand on her forehead, feeling hopelessness wash over her. “When I’m done, don’t go anywhere. Stay in your room.”

“Done with what?” River asks.

The Doctor points her sonic at River and at once, the Flesh molecules disintegrate, leaving nothing where River’s Ganger was once standing. 

She doesn’t waste any time. She turns and heads straight back to the abandoned room, finding River there with her lips pursed and her arms folded, looking very cross. 

“What the hell, Doctor?” River shouts, once she sees her. “You couldn’t have given me a warning?”

The Doctor doesn’t say anything. She heads straight for River and holds her tightly, pressing another kiss to her lips. River struggles for a while before melting into the kiss, responding eagerly, just as desperately as the Doctor.

The kiss slows down and finally the Doctor pulls back, breathless and red-cheeked. Her hands are still gripping River’s sides tightly, holding her in place as she buries her face in River’s shoulder.

“Why are you crying, my love?” River asks softly, lifting a hand to caress the Doctor’s face tenderly. 

“I’ll have to erase your memory, sweetheart,” the Doctor answers, her nose still buried in River’s neck, partly to avoid looking at River but mostly because she wants to feel River in her arms. “When the time comes, I’ll have to erase your memory of me.”

“What?” 

Slowly, the Doctor lifts her head to look up at River. She brings a hand up to cover River’s own hand on her cheek, and she grasps her tightly. 

“At the Library… you told me the last time you saw me was Darillium. You said that I showed up in a suit, with a new haircut, and we saw the Singing Towers on our last night together.” She explains softly. “I hoped - if I could erase your Ganger’s memory - ”

“You wouldn’t have to erase mine.” River finishes, nodding slightly as she catches on.

The Doctor smiles softly. Her wife was always the smart one in their relationship. “Yes,” she admits softly. She sighs again and shakes her head. “I’m sorry, River.”

River nods. “It’s alright, my love. I’ve done it to you many times before.”

“Come on, let’s take the harness back to the university,” the Doctor says, stepping forward to walk past River towards the harness.

“Wait,” River says, stopping the Doctor with a hand to her chest. The Doctor looks at her questioningly, and River swallows hard. “Maybe it’s better if you do it now.”

“What?”

“Erase my memory now,” River clarifies, and before the Doctor can even open her mouth to argue, she says quickly, “I wouldn’t know the difference. I go on trips all the time, so waking up in a factory won’t be surprising to me. And this way…” She looks down. “I won’t know that I’ll be leading my team to their deaths.”

“But River,” the Doctor says helplessly, and River takes both of her hands and holds them tightly. “So much time - time we can spend  _ together _ -”

“We’ll have all the time in the universe after this, my love,” River assures her, though she can’t help the tears welling in her eyes. “Just one month apart. And then we can have all those adventures you wanted.”

“Easy for you to say,” the Doctor whispers. “You won’t remember me.”

But River swallows. “I have Darillium, Doctor.”

“I don’t want to do this.” The Doctor shakes her head. “I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t be.” River says softly. She tilts her head and tucks the Doctor’s hair behind her ear. “You’ll be saving me.”

The Doctor steps closer to her, her chin wobbling slightly as she tries to keep her tears at bay. “It doesn’t feel like it,” she whispers, her voice shaking.

“No, it never does,” River answers. “I’m sorry.”

“I love you so much, River.”

“I love you so much, Doctor,” River says, sniffling a little and smiling down at her wife. She lets go of one of the Doctor’s hands to reach into her pocket, handing the Doctor a tube of lipstick. “Hallucinogenic lipstick. One coat should knock me out and erase my memory of you.”

The Doctor takes the tube from her and applies it with shaking hands before giving it back. “I’ll see you soon, sweetheart.”

River’s smile flickers. “Goodbye, sweetie.”

***

River wakes up in a room, feeling dizzy and disoriented. She doesn’t recognise where she is, or which century it is. From the looks of things, she’s on Earth, but what in the world is that white substance in what looks like a bathtub? She shakes her head and blinks, standing up and dusting off her hands.

“Ma’am? I think you dropped this.” A voice from behind her says. 

River turns around and sees a blonde woman with a long coat smiling at her warmly, holding out a vortex manipulator in her hand. 

“Thank you.” River says, strapping it to her wrist. “Do you mind telling me where I am?”

“The Ganger Factory,” the blonde says helpfully, and River frowns down at her time-travelling device.

“Must have crash landed here,” she mutters to herself, before looking up and smiling at the blonde. The blonde smiles back, and River is struck with a sudden wave of familiarity. She tilts her head, studying the mysterious woman with the long coat and rainbow braces. “Do I know you from somewhere?”

The blonde’s smile dims. “No, I don’t think so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y i k e s


	5. there’s nothing left to say but goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i decided to update this today cuz it’s a really special day for me. On March 11th, last year, I joined ao3!! It’s been a full year since I’ve been here and I’m so so grateful for all your love, especially for this story. This story has over a hundred subscribers and three hundred kudos!!! That’s so crazy to me. Thank you guys very very much.
> 
> Chapter title from ‘Goodbye’ by Air Supply.

And thus it begins. The Doctor feels a hollow pit in her chest where River used to be, a hole in her hearts that can only be filled by River’s arms and River’s scent and River’s kisses - that can only be filled by _River._ Even with River’s body in stasis mode by her side at all times, she can’t help but worry, can’t help but tear at her hair every day as she watches Ganger River from afar, planning the trip to the Library with the rest of her teammates.

She sees all of them again in the hallways of Luna University - she sees Anita, Proper Dave, Other Dave and Mr Lux more than once while lurking around the corridors. She even sees Ms Evangelista there once, to deliver the non-disclosure agreements that River scoffed at and didn’t sign.

She waits the entire month with River by her side. She doesn’t dare time travel anywhere, too afraid of the effects of having River’s body in one century and her Ganger in another. She doesn’t travel in space either, too anxious with how everything is going to really be excited enough to go on another journey. She doesn’t want to risk anything when she’s _so_ close to having River forever.

She supposes it’s fair. The loneliness and the heartache she’s experiencing now will be nothing and mean nothing once River wakes up from the harness, whole and warm and alive.

But sometimes, in her weaker moments, she finds herself turning helplessly towards her wife, watching the movement of her face - as if she’s in mere slumber. She traces the soft edges of her cheek and runs a finger across her forehead, examining her features. She never really took the time to, in this body. Once they were reunited, it seemed like she was in her eleventh body all over again - always moving, never taking the time to smell the roses - or in this case, appreciate how truly beautiful her wife is.

Not that Bow Tie didn’t realise what he had; he was just too busy running around the universe to really grasp the fact that he was the luckiest idiot alive. There were times, so many times, where he rectified that mistake but there were also countless others where he didn’t, where he took what he had for granted. And he learnt his lesson too late.

The Doctor finds herself with one hand tracing River’s face and the other grasping River’s hand tightly, telling her things she never told her before. Not even on Darillium, because no matter how much she wished it wasn’t the case, there were still some spoilers, still some unspoken moments between them. And in the times where she finds that she desperately needs River’s company, she tells her these things. Just so she can remind herself to tell them again once she finally wakes up.

“I know I just talked to you yesterday,” the Doctor starts, sitting by River’s side and feeling this aching loneliness in her heart, but trying to fight it. “But I don’t know… the longer you’re in there, the closer we get to the Library - ” the Doctor flounders for a moment, at a loss of words. “I’m scared. I’m afraid that if this doesn’t work we’ll have broken a fixed point again and there’s nothing I can do after this.”

She doesn’t receive an answer. Of course she doesn’t.

The Doctor clears her throat. “So, today I should tell you about your diary.” She lets go of River’s hand and reaches inside her coat, taking the faded blue diary out of one of her pockets. “Nardole fetched it for me, you know. From the Library. He talked me out of doing something stupid that he knew you wouldn’t approve of. He was always meddling in my business.” The Doctor scoffs a little, but it falls flat. “I read it whenever I was missing you. Which was a lot, by the way.”

She runs her fingers through the worn cover and turns the pages, smiling fondly down at the little blue book holding her wife’s greatest secrets.

“One day, we should talk about the Discordia and the alternate timeline you were in,” the Doctor says to her wife, a small smile stretched across her face. “I know we always said so but to have found proof that we’d find each other in every other universe is definitely something to celebrate. Maybe with a honeymoon.” Her smile turns wider as she looks at River. “You can choose the destination this time.”

She flips through the diary slowly, the papers fragile from being handled so often. She searches the book for the entry she’s looking for and stops there, smoothing the pages back down as best as she can.

She swallows as she brings the book closer to her to read it out loud, even though she almost knows the words by heart. “ _He’s getting younger. The Doctor always said it would happen, always warned me about it, but I never expected for it to be this soon. Every time I see that baby-faced, bow-tie wearing idiot my heart fills, only to be punctured again when I realise how he looks at me. How he_ doesn’t _look at me. Like I’m a ghost, someone that can’t be trusted, someone to avoid. It hurts. Had it hurt this much for him when I was younger, too?_ ”

The Doctor stops at that paragraph and presses her lips together, taking River’s hand again. “It didn’t. It didn’t hurt as much, and I’m sorry.” She squeezes her wife’s hand a little. “I had the advantage of you already knowing everything about me. When you met me, I already knew you, but you knew of me already. You knew I existed, because of the Silence. But when I met you…” The Doctor struggles a little, trying to find the correct words to describe how it was. “It was different. I knew nothing about you. I didn’t even know your name, or what you looked like - you were just… you. And when you died, you said - you said that there would be more to come for us.”

The Doctor ducks her head back down to the diary and reads the words in the next entry, as clear as day: _why is it so hard for him to fall in love with me when I did it in less than a day?_

“It wasn’t- isn’t your fault,” the Doctor corrects herself. “I watched you die, River, and- and I knew you would be so important to me. I knew how and when I would lose you before I even knew _you_ and that - that scared me. I was prepared to run from you but every time I wanted to, you’d show up and you’d be flirty and naughty and bad and - and maybe I didn’t show it, but I _wanted_ you. God, I wanted you so badly.”

The Doctor sniffs a little and shakes her head. “Remember your parents’ wedding? That night, outside the Tardis. You looked beautiful, you always do - and I asked if you were married. I wasn’t even planning to do it, I just did, because I wanted to know. I wanted to know if you were-” the Doctor cringes a little- “ _available_. And if you weren’t, I decided I would do something about it. But you didn’t even answer my question, did you? It was so infuriating.” She chuckles a little. “I love you so much.”

She shuts the diary and gives a little sigh, letting the tension out of her shoulders as she stretches. She places the diary safely back in her coat and grasps River’s hand with both of hers, bending to press a small kiss onto it.

“You fell in love with me by chance, River,” she tells her wife, smiling softly. “By pure, dumb luck on my part. I had no idea what I was doing that day. But me - I fell in love with you because of _you_ . Because I _wanted_ to. Because you were so - so _clever_ and _smart_ and absolutely infuriating and you’d strut into my Tardis with your smirk and your hair and show me how to fly her - how was I supposed to resist you?” She smiles even wider. “I’m so glad I didn’t.”

The Tardis beeps steadily and the Doctor stands, letting go of River’s hand reluctantly. She walks over to the console and pulls up the calendar on the screen, marking off another day - the 23rd day since River entered the harness and her Ganger walked off.

She sighs a little and thanks the Tardis before the Tardis starts beeping again, louder and more insistently this time. She raises her eyebrows at the console, looking at her ship expectantly.

“Well? What is it?” she asks, and the Tardis whirs slightly. “And please don’t activate the voice interface, you know I hate it when you do that.”

The screen moves around the console and stops directly in front of her. There are bold words displayed: **INCOMING CALL**.

“I can’t answer distress calls now, Old Girl, you know that,” the Doctor says, making to walk away in frustration, but the Tardis jolts suddenly, throwing her onto the ground. “Oi!” she yells at her ship, rubbing her bum. “Fine, answer it then!”

She forgets her irritation with the Tardis immediately when the screen reveals her wife’s knowing smile.

“Hello, sweetie,” River says, and the Doctor jumps up excitedly, moving towards the console. “Have you missed me?”

“Do you really have to ask?” the Doctor says, tilting her head and smiling brightly at the screen.

River chuckles slightly. “No, I suppose not.”

“How are you?”

“I’m in a computer, darling. I’m dreadfully bored,” she says, and the Doctor’s smile flickers a little.

“I know,” she sighs. “I can’t wait for all of this to be over.”

“Patience was never your strong suit,” she quips, and the Doctor’s lips turn upwards once again. She always did know how to make everything better. “I thought I’d check up on you. How is everything going?”

“Well,” the Doctor glances to her right, where River is lying peacefully in her harness. “It’s going well. You’re here too, but you’re in the harness.”

“Have you been going on any adventures?” River asks, an excited twinkle in her eye.

But the Doctor gasps indignantly. “Do you really think I’d go on adventures and leave you here unattended?”

“I wouldn’t put it past you,” River says honestly.

The Doctor huffs. “No, I haven’t been anywhere. Besides, I don’t really know what will happen if I take you with me to another time. I don’t want to risk it.”

River cocks an eyebrow at the Doctor. “Sweetie, the Church had Amy in another time while her Ganger was in Leadworth. I’m pretty sure it’s fine.”

But the Doctor shakes her head. “I don’t want to leave, River. I can’t, even if I wanted to. The Church had guards looking after Amy’s body. All you have is me.”

River smiles tenderly at her wife. “You’re enough. I’m safe with you.”

The Doctor nods. “I’ve done so many things wrong during our time together, sweetheart. I’m doing this right.”

“Speaking of doing things right,” River clears her throat and sits up straighter, staring seriously at the Doctor. “I need to talk to you about something, Doctor.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“When you upload me into the Library, you’ll be able to pull River out of the harness.” She starts carefully, watching for the Doctor’s reaction. “I’m still her consciousness, Doctor.”

“I know that.” The Doctor nods again.

River tilts her head at the Doctor. “I don’t think you do.”

“What do you mean?”

River bites her lip, regarding the Doctor with a little hesitation in her eyes before she says slowly, “Technically, there will be two of me. One River with you, whole with a body and a soul. And there will be… me. A consciousness without a body.”

“Oh,” the Doctor says, frowning at the River on screen, and glancing towards the one in the harness. “I suppose I hadn’t really thought about that.”

River sighs, not in frustration but in resignation. She looks the Doctor in the eye and forces herself to be truthful, because she has to be. “I don’t want to be here, Doctor. Trapped and alone - without you. You know I’ve never done well in cages.”

“I know.” The Doctor nods.

“I… Sweetie, I can’t stay here.” She says softly, shaking her head. “I don’t want to. So I’ll need you to do something for me, once this is all over.”

“Of course,” the Doctor says, listening with rapt attention and nodding seriously.

“I need you to come back to the Library in the future,” she starts. “I can link with the Tardis telepathically to tell you when. I need you to find the main hard drive for the computer. Once you’ve done that, I'll guide you on how to delete me.”

“Delete you?” The Doctor repeats in shock, shaking her head. “River, I can’t - I _won’t_ delete you, have you gone mad?” Her eyes widens and she shakes her head even more resolutely as River stares on, something akin to pity in her eyes. “Why would you want me to delete you?”

“I don’t want to be here, Doctor.” She explains softly, knowing how the Doctor will react if she picks a fight. “I’ve gone for so long without you and - sweetie, I love you, but death would’ve been much better than living a half-life like this. Remember Trenzalore?”

The Doctor looks away, tears building up in her eyes as she tries but fails to swallow them down. She backs away from the screen and from River. “But - River, you don’t have any regenerations left. What if something happens to you and I lose you - for _good_ this time? I can’t let that happen, sweetheart. I can’t delete you.”

“So get my regenerations back. Go to Gallifrey.” She suggests. “You’re still the President, aren’t you? You’ve got the authority.”

“It doesn’t work that way.” The Doctor shakes her head again.

River smiles at the Doctor, tilting her head. “That’s never stopped you before.”

“I - I - ” the Doctor stammers, tears flooding her eyes quickly and blurring her vision - and as she looks up at River, she’s reminded of all the times she’s had this exact same dream of seeing River’s silhouette, her echo, her shadow, all following Bow Tie around after Trenzalore. “I can’t do it, River.” She whispers, her voice shaking.

“Doctor, please.” River pleads, though her voice is strong and she isn’t nearly as tearful as her wife, the Doctor can still hear sadness and desperation in River’s voice as she tells her, “Being trapped here - it’s awful. It’s a prison cell that’s inescapable. Trust me, I’ve tried many, many times and I’ve never managed to find a way out. Anita, Dave and Evangelista - they’ve all gone mad being trapped here. I’ve only managed to stay sane because I knew I’d be helping you. But once I’m done… I’ll have no purpose here. Soon, I’ll be just like the rest of them.”

“River…” the Doctor trails off. The very idea of deleting her from the Library pains the Doctor to the very core. She can’t fathom it, can’t even believe that her wife is asking her to do it.

“You’ll be fine, sweetie.” River assures, but the Doctor isn’t convinced. “You’ll have me, remember? You’ll be with me, and we’ll be together.”

“But you’ll - ” the Doctor almost can’t bring herself to say it. “You’ll be _dead_ , River.”

“No, I won’t.” River says softly. She smiles tearfully at her wife. “I’ll be happy.”

*

Today’s the day. Today, the Doctor will finally be able to know if she’s managed to save River - or if they’ve simply broken time and be forced to live in a universe where they won’t be able to touch each other. If that happens, River is sure to be the one who insists they save time with another kiss. It seems equally fitting and poetic that their marriage should end the way it started.

But another part of the Doctor just dreads it. As much as she’ll love having River back with her entire being, she’s dreading making another trip to the Library to see another version of her wife. A version that won’t exist once she deletes her.

After that conversation, River had called numerous times. The Doctor loved having her around but there was always an inkling of sadness in the crinkle of her eyes - like she was making most of the time she had left.

Even though she knew that the ideal reality would be her being able to save both versions of her wife, she knows that the Tardis would never be able to handle that paradox. Two versions of someone in the same reality - that was never going to happen, even if said person was the Tardis’ daughter.

A part of her had briefly considered it, only to be rebuffed by River again. She was resolute in her decision to be deleted. She was sure that two Rivers would only complicate matters - and why would she want to impose on her own happiness? She would finally get all the happy endings she deserved with the one she loved the most. If she meddled with that, she would be betraying the one thing she’s been living for ever since she was saved in the Library.

“I’ve made up my mind, Doctor.” River had said to her firmly, her tone of voice leaving no room for argument. “You should know better by now than to try and change it.”

So the Doctor doesn’t. She doesn’t change River’s mind, no matter how badly she wants to - because even if she did have a version of her wife that had never had to spend a thousand years waiting for her in a computer, the version that did deserve to live too. River didn’t see it that way, though.

“Doctor, please.” River had pleaded, when the Doctor had once again started an argument about this topic. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my time in the Library mad at you. I want my last days to be spent with you, talking to you and laughing with you. So will you _please_ just drop it?”

The Doctor hadn’t been able to argue with that. Defeated, she’d nodded, and been gifted the happiest smile she’s ever seen from the version of her in the Library.

The Tardis jolts to life unexpectedly as the Doctor is sitting by River’s side. She manages to catch herself just before falling, holding tightly onto River’s harness. She looks up and sees the lights blinking and she knows - they’re taking flight.

The Tardis whooshes to a stop and the Doctor swallows, the dread in her heart multiplying by the millions. River still isn’t awake in the harness yet. It can’t be time.

But the coordinates are unmistakable. After spending over a thousand years avoiding this place there’s no way she isn’t able to recognise its exact coordinates. And if the Tardis had been called telepathically by River then that meant that there was only one thing left for her to do.

“You’re parked, my love.” River says softly, appearing on the Tardis screen.

The Doctor looks up. “I suppose I am.”

Her wife smiles gently, looking down at her own body in the harness. “She’ll be awake soon. Better hurry.”

“But - but - ” the Doctor tries desperately to look for reasons not to do this. “What if I delete you, and you don’t wake up? I’ll end up losing you and - and - ”

“I will wake, sweetie. Time isn’t broken, is it?” River points out, tilting her head. She’s talking to her wife in a soft, calming voice, and the Doctor hates that she’s comforting her when she’s the one that’s about to die.

“I will be, if you make me do this, River.” The Doctor says tearfully, her voice shaking.

River swallows slowly, catching her bottom lip between her teeth before she says, “Darling, do you remember our last day on Darillium? The planet was so, so beautiful. And you parked the Tardis right on top of the hill so we’d have the perfect view of the sunrise.”

Even as she describes it, the Doctor can see it clearly: the sun peeking just slightly over the horizon, the smell of the grass where they sat. River’s hand in his as they watched the golden light illuminate the planet they had called home for over two decades. They had sat quietly, no words exchanged between them, just River’s head on his shoulder, silent tears streaming down their faces as they counted down the seconds to when their happy ending had reached its end.

“I want that to be my happy ending.” River says, her voice breaking as a tear escapes her eye. Her lip trembles as she looks at the Doctor. “We always said we never had enough time together, even when we did. And now - now that I’ve been stuck here for hundreds and hundreds of years, I’m happy with what we had. I don’t want more.”

“But you deserve more.” The Doctor says shakily, tears falling from her eyes, too.

River manages a smile through her tears and chuckles a little. “I’ve never gotten what I deserved from the universe, my love.” She says. “Besides, I’m grateful for what I have. But I have nothing else to do now. I’ll be happy, knowing we’re still together, knowing we will always be together, even if I don’t get to be the one that’s with you.”

“River…” the Doctor suppresses a quiet sob as she chokes out, “I love you so, _so_ much.”

“Why don’t you come out and show me, then?” River says, smiling wider.

Before the Doctor can even open her mouth to answer, the line disconnects and River disappears. Sighing and wiping tears from her eyes, she checks to see if her sonic is safely in her pocket as she approaches the Tardis door.

She feels a chill as she steps outside, and instinctively pulls her coat tighter around her. The Tardis has landed directly at the main hard drive, and the Doctor sees the remnants of the last time they were here, scattered all around them. She looks at the screen, waiting for River to pop up with her hair and her smile.

“Hello sweetie.” Says a voice from behind her.

She swivels and stops breathing.

River is standing right there, a beautiful glow on her skin. She’s wearing the same thing she did on Trenzalore, and the Doctor’s breath catches as she looks her wife up and down - as she takes in all her beauty.

“You’re here.” She whispers, the corners of her mouth twitching upwards into a smile.

River raises her eyebrows at her. “I could say the same for you.”

“Well, I didn’t really have a choice, did I?” The Doctor answers, taking a step closer to her wife.

“I suppose not.” River shrugs, smiling coyly. She stares at the Doctor almost in wonderment and awe - like she can’t quite believe she’s real. Which, in all honesty, is how the Doctor is feeling about River at the moment. River sighs happily, almost in contentment, as she stares at her wife, and her smile is wide and bright and enough to light the universe. “Thank you so much, Doctor.”

“For?”

“For loving me. For allowing me to love you.” River steps forward, too and reaches both hands out, holding onto the Doctor’s hands tightly. “It was… it was the _best_ of times.”

“I hate that you’re saying goodbye to me,” the Doctor whispers, her eyes filling with tears again.

“Not goodbye, my love.” River reminds her, and she gently tugs her wife closer. “Not for you.” She leans in and presses a chaste kiss to her wife’s cheek as her hand pulls the sonic from out of the Doctor’s pocket. She hands it to her. “Point and think, alright?”

The Doctor can’t remember the last time her hands shook as she was holding her sonic, but she finds her hands shaking now, as she points the device towards the hard drive and looks at her wife.

“Are you sure, sweetheart?” The Doctor asks one last time.

River smiles reassuringly and places her hand on top of the Doctor’s on the sonic. She leans down to rest her forehead against her wife’s and presses her lips gently to hers, soft and sweet, treasuring what she knows is her last kiss.

“We’re not over, sweetie.” She says softly into the Doctor’s ear. _Point and think_. “You and me. Time and space. You watch us run.”

_Point and think._

_“_ River Song has been deleted.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re almost at the end for this!!! I’m gonna miss writing this one a lot. I do have another doctor/river fic in the works, but it’s a twelve/river fic and a safe house au. If you’re interested in that, be sure to stick around! I’ll be posting that a week or two after the last chapter of this story is posted.  
> As usual, if you like what you read, please leave a comment or a kudos!!! Thank youuu.


	6. tell the world that we finally got it all right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg!!! We’re at the end now! I hope you guys enjoy this last chapter!
> 
> Chapter title from ‘I Choose You’ by Sara Bareilles

The wait is excruciatingly painful. The Doctor stares at River, looking for any sign of life, but there’s nothing. It hurts even more to know that she won’t be receiving a call from her other self - that her face won’t just show up on the huge screen and smile down at her. Now, all she can do is wait.

After waiting for hours and hours without any sign of life from River, the Doctor falls asleep by her harness, slumped over on top of her stomach. Her nose is buried into her wife’s skin, taking in deep breaths as she sleeps peacefully. Her head is turned towards River’s face. She’d been watching her carefully, looking for any minute detail that she hasn’t yet died - anything, even a small twitch of the eyebrow or the corner of her mouth. But still, nothing.

The Doctor hasn’t slept in weeks. She hasn’t dreamt in nearly twice as long. But as she slumbers on top of her wife, visions begin to plague her behind her closed eyes. She sees different scenes, slowly dissolving into separate dreams - a blinding flash of light; an empty chair; River’s voice echoing through her head, _sweetie, you can live without me_. River appears in front of her, wearing her Library garb. The Doctor sighs in relief and steps forward for a hug - but as soon as her fingertips brush across River’s skin she dissolves into white mist.

The scene shifts; now she’s standing on bright green grass. Somehow, everything is glowing ethereally. She looks around and calls for River once, twice, but no one responds. She starts walking, running, but there isn’t anyone here - no one but her - and as she screams and shouts for someone, _anyone_ , a face appears in the sky.

River beams down at her, tears in her eyes, and the Doctor almost cries in relief as she shouts for River to save her. River looks down at her sadly and whispers, “You are saved, my love.” - and disappears.

There is a gentle touch on her face and the Doctor blanches in confusion, not expecting it. She stumbles back, -but the touch is still there, at the curve of her cheek.

“Wake up, sweetie. It’s alright. You’re alright. Everything’s okay now,” a calm, soothing voice says in her ear, and the Doctor knows at once.

Her eyes are filled with tears when she wakes and sees River, conscious and well and not burnt. She sees her green eyes and her pale skin, and she feels her warm hand on her cheek, and she lets out a small, staggering breath.

“You’re up,” the Doctor says softly, lifting her head. She sees that River has unhooked herself from all the wires and realises that she must have just laid there while waiting for her to wake up. “You’re safe.”

River’s hand slips away from her face as the Doctor straightens up. The Doctor immediately reaches for River’s hand, helping her stand and cautiously checking her vitals, making sure everything is in order.

“How do you feel?” the Doctor asks anxiously, as she checks River’s heartbeats.

River looks mildly amused as the Doctor places her hands on her chest. “If you want an excuse to feel me up, Doctor, all you need to do is ask.”

The Doctor lets a smile bloom across her face as she looks up at River again. “You’re your normal self. That’s terrific.”

“You did it, sweetie,” River says, beaming.

The Doctor doesn’t waste time by saying anything else. She simply scoops River into her arms and plants a passionate kiss onto her wife’s lips, sighing happily all the while. River is safe. River is _safe._

 _Lord,_ how long she’s been waiting for this moment.

River chuckles in delight as the Doctor’s hand slips down to her bum, and she whispers naughtily in her ear, “My, my, you don’t waste any time, do you?”

“No. No more wasting time with you,” the Doctor agrees, and she takes River’s hand and leads her to the hallway. “We’ve got lots to make up for, sweetheart.”

*

“It’s been _three weeks_ , Doctor, you said you’d be gone one week at _most_ -“ is the first thing she hears when she lands the Tardis on Aquarion.

Ryan trudges into the Tardis, soaked from head to toe in water, looking cross. Yasmin and Graham trail along behind him, hiding their grins and laughter and trying to maintain a straight face even though they’re both soaked, too.

“Ah,” the Doctor starts apologetically, looking back at the coordinates on display. “Er - honest mistake, Ryan, sorry about that. Must be the fuzziness from the honeymoon.”

“Honeymoon - ?” Graham starts, and all three of them begin to exchange hopeful looks.

“Does that mean that you saved your wife?” Yasmin asks eagerly, her eyes wide.

The Doctor doesn’t answer; she merely smiles and turns, looking back and tilting her head.

“If you’re waiting to make a dramatic entrance,” the Doctor calls out, “now’s the time to do so.”

River steps out of the shadows, throwing a smirk at the Doctor as she approaches the rest. She tilts her head, examining each of them.

“Enjoying the beach?” she asks them, looking pointedly at their clothing, now dripping water all over the Tardis floor.

“That’s one way to put it,” Yasmin says, throwing a look at Ryan.

“It’s lovely to meet you.” Graham says. “I would shake your hand if I weren’t covered in water.”

River smiles kindly at the man. The Doctor had told her a lot about the team she’s travelling with now, and she knows her wife had been enjoying herself with all of them.

“So,” Yasmin says, looking between River and the Doctor eagerly. She almost resembles a child watching their parents interact as she smiles eagerly at them, “how did you guys meet?”

The Doctor and River exchange looks.

“It’s a long story,” River says finally.

The Doctor nods in agreement. “And it’s best heard while we’re all warm and dry.”

*

“So, are we going back to Earth?” Graham asks, all of them gathered in the kitchen with a warm cup of tea in their hands.

The Doctor frowns. “Why would you be?”

Graham raises his eyebrows in surprise. “Well, I just thought that since you’re finally with River again -”

“Oh, don’t worry about it, Graham,” River says reassuringly. “The Doctor and I already got all that out of our systems before we came to pick you up.”

There is an awkward silence among them as they all lift their cups to their lips, sipping their tea quietly.

Yaz clears her throat and turns to the Doctor. “Well, where’s our next stop?”

The Doctor looks at River. “Depends on the wife.”

River smiles back at the Doctor and smirks, leaning her elbows on the table. “I’m in the mood for trouble. How about Sontar? Heard they’re at war with the Cybermen again.”

She sips her tea nonchalantly and the Doctor sighs. “River,” she says tiredly.

River perks up, peering over her cup of tea innocently. “What? You asked me where I wanted to go.”

“Right,” the Doctor says, conceding easily. “Well, I’ll need to make a stop before that.”

“Where to?” asks Ryan.

“Gallifrey. I’m collecting a debt I’m owed,” the Doctor says cryptically.

The team exchange confused glances but say nothing.

*

The Doctor pilots the Tardis as River watches from behind, a silent smirk that the Doctor can sense. She swivels to face her wife, who bats her eyelashes innocently.

“I can hear you smirking at me,” the Doctor tells her.

River tilts her head. “Just wondering how you’ve been driving her for over a millenia and you still don’t know how to fly her properly.”

“I do so!” the Doctor huffs indignantly.

Graham looks at River. “She really doesn’t.”

River tuts sympathetically as the Doctor gives Graham a look of utter betrayal. Graham shrugs while Yaz hides a smile behind her hand and Ryan looks away, his mouth twitching at the corners.

“What did she do?”

“When we found the Tardis, it took more than ten tries getting back to Sheffield. We ended up meeting Rosa Parks,” Graham tells River, who laughs.

“Typical Doctor.” She looks back at her wife, who pouts as she enters coordinates into the Tardis. “Oh, stop pouting, sweetie. We’re getting to know each other, aren’t we?”

“A fine excuse,” the Doctor mutters. She turns to her group. “If you lot are done chatting, grab onto something. I’ve got a feeling we won’t be welcomed into open arms when we land.”

River snorts derisively, and the Doctor shoots her a look as she flips the lever and sends the Tardis into the Vortex once again. Almost immediately when they land, there is turbulence. The Tardis starts swaying and things start sliding around, tipping over on one side and then the next. Yaz holds onto the railing with both hands, but Graham isn’t so successful in maintaining his grip, his legs giving out beneath him and leaving him dangling weakly.

“Ryan!” Yaz shouts above the din, “Take one of his hands and I’ll take the other!”

Ryan nods quickly, taking Graham’s hand and holding it firmly in his. Looking around wildly, he spots the Doctor and shouts, “Doctor, what’s happening to the Tardis?”

“I don’t know!” the Doctor shouts, gripping onto the console and looking panicked

“Where did you land us?” River asks, her hair whipping around her face. She’s managed to grasp the ends of the railing before the Tardis started swaying, but her body is curved and it isn’t remotely comfortable for her.

“I got us into the Lord President’s office!” the Doctor shouts back, and River sighs in frustration.

“Sweetie, you are such an idiot. Security protocols prevent any outside Tardis - especially _stolen ones_ \- from entering the Citadel,” River explains, her voice still managing to sound exasperated and fond at the same time.

“But I’m the President!” comes the Doctor’s indignant shout.

“You’re the _what?_ ” Ryan, Yaz and Graham shout at the same time.

“That ran away at the first given opportunity!” River points out. “For God’s sake, Doctor!”

“Okay, okay, hang on - I just need to find the right -” the Doctor mutters, feeling on the console for the right button. She slams it hard and the Tardis goes whirling again, more aggressively this time. Yaz, Ryan and Graham give a surprised shout while River merely startles, but the shaking stops after just a few moments.

Sighing in relief, the team help each other up off the floor. Graham looks up at the Doctor’s offered hand and shakes his head as he gets to his feet.

“Honestly, Doc, a little warning before pulling something like that? I know what I agreed to but the risk of having heart troubles at my age don’t change just because I’m in space,” he says dryly, placing a hand over his chest to calm himself down.

The Doctor grins guiltily at him. “Sorry, Graham.” She looks around. “Everybody ok?”

“You’re _president_?” Yaz asks, eyes wide.

“Who in their right minds elected you?” Ryan says.

“Oi! Why is everyone pickin’ on me today?” she says, patting down her hair which had been wildly mussed and straightening it a little. “It’s not funny.”

“Sorry, it’s just - well, you’re bonkers,” Yaz says honestly. “Not exactly the right kind of person to run an entire planet.”

“That’s why I don’t. And you’re welcome for that,” the Doctor says, turning around to face the Tardis doors.

Ryan exchanges a bewildered look with Yaz. “Why should we be thanking her?” he asks her quietly. Yaz merely shrugs.

“Okay,” the Doctor says, with the air of taking charge. “River, come with me. You three, stay here. If anyone knocks on the Tardis, don’t open it. I don’t know what will happen if three humans are seen by members of the High Council. I’m sure Rassilon found a way to take charge again, if the way we landed is anything to go by.”

“Well, how will we know if it’s you?” Graham asks.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got a key.” She pats herself down, searching for the Tardis key.

“I’ve got one,” River says. “Come on, sweetie. They might already be searching for you.”

“Yes, yes,” the Doctor says, turning and hurrying towards the door. “Don’t answer the doors to strangers, kids! Be safe!”

“You too!” they try to shout after the two women, but the door is closed and they’ve disappeared before they can even open their mouths.

*

“Why are we even here?” River hisses through her teeth as she stuns another guard.

“I’ll tell you later,” the Doctor says distractedly, looking around. “Right now, we need to find uniforms so we can enter the President’s office.”

“Why can’t you just barge in like you did the last time?” River asks as they run through the halls, turning left and right and left again, passing conference rooms and offices.

“I don’t have the angry eyebrows anymore,” she says, indicating at her face. “I’m not intimidating enough.”

Privately, River thinks that the Doctor just wants to sneak around with her like they’ve done on so many occasions before. There really isn’t a valid reason why they should have to go through all this trouble when she is technically still the President of Gallifrey, and is within her rights to claim what is hers back.

They see figures donning the trademark Gallifreyan headdresses and red robes striding towards them and they duck into another corridor, pressing themselves against the wall.

“I thought you didn’t want to be President, Doctor?” River whispers to her as they wait for the figures to pass. “You told me on Darillium that -”

“I still don’t, sweetheart. Don’t worry. I won’t make you Lady President when I know you don’t want to be,” the Doctor assures her. “Just - this is important. But to do this, I need to speak with him.”

“Rassilon is dangerous. Are you sure it’s worth it?” River presses, looking intently at the Doctor.

The Doctor’s eyes shine as she looks at River. “It’s worth everything, River,” she says quietly. She reaches out to hold River’s hand tightly, squeezing when River still looks hesitant to continue. “I promise you. This is as important to me as saving you was. Trust me, sweetheart.”

“Of course I do.” River pulls on her wife’s hand and tugs her closer, pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

“Hey!” a voice shouts at them.

They pull away immediately, eyes wide as they look at the people who had interrupted them. A man and a woman look back at them, shock and anger on their faces.

River moves swiftly and stuns them with two well-placed shots to their chests. The Doctor smiles gratefully at her wife as she looks around to make sure the corridor is deserted before moving out of her hiding spot to heave the bodies out of sight.

“You are amazing, River!” the Doctor says excitedly as she drags the woman’s body down the small hiding place. “We can take their robes!”

River looks pointedly down at the man she’s heaving. “I hate to burst your bubble, sweetie, but neither of us are going to pass as a man. I’m too curvy and you’re too - well -” River looks at the Doctor’s miniature stature and grins when she huffs indignantly. “Don’t worry, darling. I quite like it that way.”

“Okay, well, then one of us will just have to wear the costume while the other sneaks around.” the Doctor says, looking down at the Gallifreyan woman and eyeing the robes carefully. “I think these are more your size, River. You should wear them.”

River makes a face. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in that headdress, Doctor. Besides, you could use the robes to make one of those dramatic entrances you’re so fond of.”

The Doctor considers this, frowning. “I haven’t worn Gallifreyan garb in - well, centuries,” she sighs, eyeing the red silk with such disgust that River almost pities her. “Fine. Keep a lookout while I change, will you?”

“Of course, Doctor,” River says dutifully.

The Doctor plucks at the heavy red material, fidgeting around and looking uncomfortable. “I don’t remember them being quite so itchy,” she complains, as they walk quickly down the hallway. “And why are there no pockets in these?”

“Oh, just give the sonic here, Doctor.” River says impatiently, holding out a hand and pocketing it. “And stop looking so lost. You’re going to give everything away.”

“Easy for you to say. This is so impractical.” She lifts the garb, making it easier for her to walk.

“How far are we from the President’s Office?” River asks.

She looks out the high glass windows and laments the chance of seeing the beautiful orange skies and blossoming trees and bustling cities that the Doctor had so often told her about. She can’t help but wonder what it would be like to just live here with the Doctor - back on Gallifrey, but she knows that it isn’t what the Doctor wants. Turning her wistful stare away from the windows, she sees the Doctor watching her with a curious look in her eyes.

“We’re almost there,” she says, in answer to the previous question. River had almost forgotten that she’d asked it in the first place. “Sweetheart, if you want to see Gallifrey… you know I won’t stop you, right? Just - this is important. Very important, and we have to do it quickly, before Rassilon knows I’m here and can think up a plan.”

“We’ll be kicked out again,” River points out. “Just like you were last time.”

“I ran away, as you very well remember,” the Doctor reminds her. “And River, if you want it, I’ll make it happen. Or I’ll try my best to, at least.”

River sighs and stares out the windows again, the archaeologist in her longing to get out there and soak up the culture, see the sights and spend time with the people.

“I’ve always wondered what it would be like to come here…” River trails off. She turns to the Doctor. “You always made it sound like something out of a fairytale. And it really is very beautiful here.” She nods at the sky, which is a very pretty mix of yellow and orange. “It shaped you in some way. I feel like I could know you better just by being here.”

“You already know me better than anyone else in the universe, sweetheart,” the Doctor says, smiling fondly at her.

“It’s just… nice. To be here with you.” River chuckles. “Feels a bit like you’re taking me home to meet your parents.”

“They would love you,” the Doctor says. “Everyone loves you, River, you should know that by now.

Before River can answer, they’re halted by a guard. He’s big and burly, and he would be intimidating to anyone else - but not to them.

“The President is having a meeting with the High Council. You will not interrupt him,” he says, his voice deep and loud.

River rolls her eyes, looking bored and not slightly afraid of the man two times bigger than her, who growls menacingly when she speaks. “God, this is getting ever so boring. Will anyone here learn their manners? First, we get interrupted while we’re snogging and now this yeti comes and cuts off our conversation. What’s a wife got to do to get some privacy around here?”

“I beg your pardon?” the guard asks, taking one threatening step towards River, who doesn’t back down. She looks up at him with a defiant smirk. “You’ll mind who you’re talking to, lady.”

River’s smirk grows wider. “Now that’s where you’re wrong, yeti.” In one swift move, she presses the barrel of her gun into his chest and whispers, “I’m no lady”- before she pulls the trigger. The force of the blaster sends him flying backwards, slamming into the door to the President’s Office, only to have it swing open violently, banging into the adjacent wall as he crashes onto the floor where he stays, unconscious.

“What is the meaning of this?” a voice shouts, as the other people in the office gasp in shock, looking down at the body of their colleague.

“Who did this? You there!” River looks up and she sees an old man with short white hair, who’s looking straight at her, pointing an accusatory finger. “What do you think you’re doing?”

The Doctor whips the robes off her head and reveals herself in her normal clothes - sans her coat, which she had left on top of the woman she stole the robes from - smiling triumphantly at the old man at the head of the table.

“Taking back what’s mine,” she says.

“The Doctor. Welcome back,” the President says, no hint of mirth or friendliness in his tone. “You’ve regenerated.”

“I see you’ve taken care of my office while I’ve been away,” she says, walking around and inspecting the large oval room.

“ _Your_ office?” Rassilon snarls, his lip curled unpleasantly.

The members of the High Council do not speak or say anything. They seem to be listening in rapt attention, otherwise too afraid to interrupt lest something happen to them. River, on the other hand, trails around silently, looking up at the high ceilings and the trinkets that decorate the room, looking like a tourist in a museum.

“It certainly isn’t yours either,” the Doctor snaps, her eyes sharp as she approaches Rassilon. “Don’t attempt to quote the laws back to me. I know them. And I know that I’m entitled to this office just as you are entitled to being the spineless rat that you are.”

River smiles proudly at her wife while the rest of the High Council exchange murmurs. Steadily reddening in the face, Rassilon’s snarl turns even more menacing as he answers.

“Don’t think you can do what you did the last time you were here, Doctor,” Rassilon leans in, threatening her quietly.

“I think you’ll find I can,” the Doctor whispers back. She steps back and turns to River, offering her a hand that River takes gladly. “I’m not sure I’ve introduced her before. Meet River Song. My wife.”

Rassilon barely spares River a glance. “Her kind doesn’t belong here, least of all in the Citadel!”

“River is a Human Plus - specifically, human plus Time Lord,” the Doctor continues as if no one interrupted her. “She can regenerate.”

River frowns at the Doctor. “Doctor, I-”

“I’m here to offer you a deal.” The Doctor smiles, and River is glad to see this side of the Doctor - the beautiful face hiding the Oncoming Storm that’s lying right beneath it. A sweet, innocent facade that hides the danger within. “Give my wife a full cycle of regenerations and I’ll rescind my right as President over to you.”

“Your half-breed wife is not worthy of any regenerations,” Rassilon sneers at her, turning hateful eyes onto River. “Of course you would stoop so low as to marry a human. And what will you do if I refuse?”

“I’ll take over Gallifrey and give my wife the regenerations anyway. But I’d rather avoid the bloodshed, if you don’t mind. I’m sure there are people right here in this room-” she turns to the High Council, nodding at the familiar faces she recognises “-who would rather that things around here aren’t quite so… _tyrannical_ , wouldn’t you say?”

“The Time Lords don’t owe your human wife anything,” Rassilon says coldly.

“You owe _me_ ,” the Doctor counters. “I _saved_ this planet and I never would’ve been able to do so if River hadn’t saved my life so many times and given up her regenerations for me.”

“What she chooses to do with her regenerations is her own business. She knew what she was doing before she gave them up to someone as unworthy as you,” Rassilon spits. “The Time Lords do not do business with humans -”

“Doctor,” River whispers in her ear. “What are you doing? It’s okay, I don’t need this - let’s just - ”

But the Doctor shakes her head resolutely and takes one step towards Rassilon - it isn’t as intimidating as a move can get, given that she’s shorter now that she’s regenerated, but the fury in her face, the fire in her eyes - the way her knuckles turn white and the way her jaw clenches - is as clear as crystal. She isn't backing down until she gets what she came for.

“I _destroyed_ this planet once,” the Doctor says quietly, her hands clenched into fists. “And I can do it again without even a second’s worth of hesitation. You think I _care_ who runs this planet? Think again. It’s your decision, Lord President.”

The fear in Rassilon’s eyes is visible even though he doesn’t cower or step back. He looks determinedly into the Doctor’s eyes, and she stares back into his, daring him to challenge her.

*

“That was extremely dangerous and reckless, Doctor!” River exclaims, once they’re out of earshot. “What the hell were you thinking? Threatening to blow up your _home planet_ again? You won't even touch my blaster!”

“Well, it worked, didn’t it?” the Doctor says carelessly, shrugging as she puts her coat back on and pockets the small vial containing a full cycle of regenerations for River to imbibe later on. “I’d do it a thousand times again.”

“Doctor,” River begins exasperatedly, “You didn’t need to do that. I’ve been doing perfectly _fine_ with just my one life - I don’t need that.”

“I don’t know how many bodies I have left, River. How many lives - that’s all up in the air now. But you… I can’t have gone through all that to save you only to lose you when you go on one of your escapades. That won’t happen to me, River. I won’t allow it,” the Doctor says adamantly, refusing to look at River, fearing the disappointment and sadness in her eyes will be too much to take. “If I lose you once I’ve saved you…. I don’t know what I’ll become, but I won’t be saving anyone else.”

“You are such an idiot,” River whispers, her voice full of tears, and the Doctor turns in horror to see her wife crying quietly, tears slipping down her cheeks.

The Doctor steps in front of her, stopping her path and standing on tiptoe to press a kiss to her lips. “I love you,” she whispers, wiping River’s tears away slowly with the pad of her thumb. “You know that, don’t you?”

“My love,” River sniffs, her voice shaking just a little as she speaks. “After all the things you’ve done so we can be together, how can I not know that?”

“Good.” The Doctor nods satisfactorily, leaning up to brush her lips across River’s once again. “Now we’ve got to get going if you want to see the rest of the city. Rassilon’s cronies gave us the rest of the week but it won’t be enough to see everything if we dawdle.”

*

“Your planet is _beautiful_ , Doctor,” Yaz says in awe, twirling happily around the orange leaves and admiring the many flowers blossoming. “This is where you used to play as a child?”

“I used to climb the trees with my best friend to watch people fall into traps we planted as a prank.” The Doctor smiles fondly, wrapping an arm around River’s waist. She glances sideways at her wife, who looks down at her with all the beauty in the universe. Out of everything she’s seen, of all the stars she’s seen and the galaxies she’s visited, nothing can ever be as enchanting as River’s smile. She’d chosen to imbibe her regeneration cycles just last night, and they’d made love in the warm, swirling light of regeneration energy. It had been just like their first kiss - at least, in River’s perspective. “I have many fond memories here.”

“I’m sure you do,” Graham says, looking around in wonder. The three humans had spent most of the week in awe of everything around them - River too, though she was better at hiding it. The Doctor was very pleased that her planet had been able to astound them. “Growing up here must’ve been wonderful.”

“It was… an experience,” the Doctor says vaguely, and Graham frowns. “But I wouldn’t exchange it for anything. Especially since it got me where I am now.”

She looks lovingly at River, who rolls her eyes and mutters, “Sap.”

Yaz smiles at them, tilting her head as she says thoughtfully, “This would be a beautiful place for you to renew your wedding vows, Doctor, River.”

River raises her eyebrows at the young woman. “Renew our wedding vows?”

Graham’s eyes shine brightly as he looks at them. “Yea, why not? New life and all, right? What better place to do it than on the Doc’s planet?”

“And we can be the witnesses,” Ryan chimes in.

“What do you think, sweetheart? Ready to get married to a selfish old man?” the Doctor asks. River smiles.

A few hours later, they’re back at the forest with everything needed. They wrap their bow tie around their hands once again, both of them adorning foolish grins and flower crowns courtesy of Yaz’s talents, while the three of them watch with happy smiles - ready to be a part of their own little family. Their hearts fill with warmth as they look at the happy couple, ready to spend the rest of their lives together.

“So.. there’s no one here to ask the question.” The Doctor laughs. “Do you, River Song, take me to be your lawfully wedded spouse until the end of time?”

River smiles. “I do.” She clears her throat. “And do you, Doctor, take -”

“I do!” the Doctor says excitedly, unable to contain herself. River throws her head back in laughter. “And I may kiss the bride!”

“Wait, you forgot to proclaim yourselves -” Ryan starts, but the Doctor has taken River’s face in her hands and is now delivering the most passionate snog any of them has ever seen. “Nevermind,” he says sheepishly.

“No more spoilers,” River whispers quietly once she pulls away, her eyes filled with happy tears.

“No,” the Doctor agrees, as River leans forward to rest their foreheads against each other's. “Only time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to all of you who have read and left kudos and commented and bookmarked and subscribed to this story. I had no idea it would blow up. Almost a hundred comments in just five chapters is insane to me. And almost four hundred kudos too!!! Thank you very much. I hope you love this story as much - if not more - than i do.
> 
> And if you want to see more stories by me, never fear! I’ll be posting a new twelve/river au possibly next week or the week after, but it’s coming! For those of you who are only exclusively into spacewives, please do give it a try! But if you don’t want to, that’s okay too. 
> 
> Thank you all again for the support. <3


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